Friday, 29th May 2020

How to feel like a coronavirus hero when you aren't one

YES, the NHS deserves a good clap but don’t you also deserve a pat on the back for the sacrifices you’ve made from your sofa? Here’s how to tell yourself you’re a corona hero too.

You’re keeping the economy going by ordering Deliveroo at least once a day

Think how many people you’ve kept in work: several chefs, all those struggling food suppliers, and the Deliveroo rider you were kind enough to chuck a miniscule tip at from a two-metre distance.

You’re doing a poor job at home-schooling your kids

This means teachers will feel valued. You’ve already told your Facebook friends you’re in awe of Miss Chapman and her educational prowess. And you’re giving her another chance to shine when the schools go back and she has to make your kids redo the worksheets you ignored to watch Loose Women.

You did a whole two minutes clapping the NHS

Even though it was cold on your balcony and your dinner was ready. Congratulate yourself for soldiering on despite the fact that the clapping really hurt your delicate little hands and your tummy was rumbling.

You’re using less toilet paper

It’s a bit inconvenient because you’re eating twice as much under lockdown, but loo roll is a valuable resource now. Thankfully you’ve got a load of stockpiled Andrex Washlet wet wipes in the garage and they feel much nicer on your bum anyway.

You’ve made a contact rota for your mum

Yes, you’ve scheduled your brother to do 90 per cent of the calls, but you’ve already spoken to her twice this month. You’ll be focusing on doing PE with Joe Wicks instead. It’ll teach you vital information about keeping fit, which you’ll share with your mum when you next call her in May.