How to feel like a coronavirus hero when you aren't one

YES, the NHS deserves a good clap but don’t you also deserve a pat on the back for the sacrifices you’ve made from your sofa? Here’s how to tell yourself you’re a corona hero too.

You’re keeping the economy going by ordering Deliveroo at least once a day

Think how many people you’ve kept in work: several chefs, all those struggling food suppliers, and the Deliveroo rider you were kind enough to chuck a miniscule tip at from a two-metre distance.

You’re doing a poor job at home-schooling your kids

This means teachers will feel valued. You’ve already told your Facebook friends you’re in awe of Miss Chapman and her educational prowess. And you’re giving her another chance to shine when the schools go back and she has to make your kids redo the worksheets you ignored to watch Loose Women.

You did a whole two minutes clapping the NHS

Even though it was cold on your balcony and your dinner was ready. Congratulate yourself for soldiering on despite the fact that the clapping really hurt your delicate little hands and your tummy was rumbling.

You’re using less toilet paper

It’s a bit inconvenient because you’re eating twice as much under lockdown, but loo roll is a valuable resource now. Thankfully you’ve got a load of stockpiled Andrex Washlet wet wipes in the garage and they feel much nicer on your bum anyway.

You’ve made a contact rota for your mum

Yes, you’ve scheduled your brother to do 90 per cent of the calls, but you’ve already spoken to her twice this month. You’ll be focusing on doing PE with Joe Wicks instead. It’ll teach you vital information about keeping fit, which you’ll share with your mum when you next call her in May.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Five signs you're going stir-crazy

YOU’VE been stuck in the house for what feels like, what, 30 years now? So, there’s a good chance that you’ve started to go stir crazy. Here are five signs to look out for.

You’re bored of Netflix

You’ve watched everything on Netflix and have moved on to watching things that are cooking in the microwave and putting together your own back story for them. You’ve realised just how much character and nuance a frozen lasagne has, when you really think about it.

You drank that bottle of Martini Rosso

What is Martini Rosso? You’ve never cared to find out before, when more tasty and normal alcoholic beverages were just a trip to Sainsbury’s away. However, the thought of the long, sad queue is now more disturbing than the contents of the bottle, so you’ve drunk it. And you still don’t know what it is.

You don’t know what time or day it is, and it doesn’t matter

Fancy a roast chicken at 3am? Go for it. Meeting your mates in a virtual Zoom pub at 2pm on a Monday? Who gives a shit? If you aren’t too overwhelmed by constant, gnawing anxiety, try to enjoy yourself, as you’ll probably never get the chance to legitimately do batshit things at weird times again.

You’ve started crying at the drop of a hat

Your nerves are so frayed that you weep at any provocation, from clapping for the NHS to heartwarming videos of families singing songs from musicals, which you would usually detest. In fact, you would genuinely burst into big heaving sobs if someone did drop a hat.

Your family are worried

You have been stroking the kettle on your lap for five minutes whilst you wait for the cat to somehow boil in the kitchen. When your family gently point out your mistake you reply that you bought the cat at John Lewis, it’s under warranty and you’ll be exchanging it the moment all this nonsense is over.