Married couple still not bored enough to have sex

A MARRIED couple in lockdown with absolutely nothing to do are still not bored enough to have sex with each other. 

Child-free couple of thirteen years Tom and Clare Logan have both briefly considered intercourse as a way to combat the tedium of social distancing, and independently come to the same negative conclusion.

Clare Logan said: “Of course we want to. We just both lead such busy lives, what with our packed schedule of baking, arts and crafts and Animal Crossing.

“Plus. there’s our once-daily walk around the block and we’re swamped looking after our newborn sourdough starter. As soon as things are less hectic, I’m sure we’ll make time for each other.

“We nearly did it yesterday, but then Tom briefly spluttered after taking a sip of water. Maybe it went down the wrong way, but just to be on the safe side, we decided he should self-isolate and sleep in the spare room for a couple of weeks. At least.”

Tom Logan said: “I’m sure if the lockdown goes on much longer, we’ll be forced by circumstance to rediscover the intimacy and excitement of our early relationship.

“God, I hope they find a vaccine soon.”

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Family lifts nation's spirits by not making a video

IN a move set to cheer millions, a family has decided not to to record any heartwarming viral videos.

The Cook family resolved not to inspire the nation by singing and dancing as a family of five, in what experts are calling ‘a profound non-contribution to public life’.

Kate Cook commented: “My husband and I sing very badly, and our youngest is truly appalling at the recorder, so we had all the necessary ingredients to touch hearts.

“But we know the greatest gift we can give our friends, family and wider social network at a time like this is not sending them a sweet video they feel obliged to watch and comment on.

“It’s our tiny non-offering to the world. We hope our inaction connects with people and gives them the hope they need to get through these unprecedented, ‘uplifting video’-heavy times.”

Mr Cook said: “We’re delighted that our inertia has had an impact. Ultimately, we value time apart as a family, which at the moment feels more important than ever.”