How to recreate the excitement of watching live sport now that you can't

NOW that coronavirus has stripped live sport from your life, how can you fill the hole where yelling at sweaty people on TV used to be? Here are five simple ways.

The competition

Nourish that competitive spirit by staging live events in your own home. School closures offer the perfect opportunity to race your kids. Or why not put two household appliances on at the same time and see which one completes its cycle first, whilst singing “You’ll never wash alone!”

The fighting

Missing the tension that sport used to bring to your life? Then why not try provoking your family? You could deliberately stoke the passive-aggression by casually mentioning to your Mum that you don’t want to have kids, or encourage a full-scale argument by telling your vegan sibling that climate change doesn’t exist. Just as exciting as any professional sports match!

The camaraderie

Conflicting expert opinions about how best to tackle coronavirus offer the perfect opportunity to choose your favourite epidemiologist and really get behind them. Create a WhatsApp group of fellow supporters so you can trade identical opinions late into the night, and don’t forget to send abuse to any idiot who supports an opposing mitigation strategy.

The stats

Recovery rates, missed chances, interception attempts, touches, assists: all of these familiar stats are still relevant in the coronavirus game, so get into it and soon you’ll soon be obsessing over the numbers with the same fervour.

The fantasy

Create a fantasy bog roll league! It’s all about making the right choices: do you go all out and try to get your hands on a highly sought-after 12-pack of Andrex supreme quilts? Or do you settle for the scratchy stuff from the corner shop? It costs less, but when it comes down to it, will it perform?

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Dad watching old Grange Hill episodes for homeschooling advice

A FATHER who has no idea how to teach his kids at home has been consulting old episodes of Grange Hill on YouTube.

Martin Bishop hopes the Phil Redmond BBC children’s drama he watched in the late 1970s will provide his two boys with all the knowledge they need to succeed in life.

Bishop said: “I’ve been teaching them everything I learned from Grange Hill. If you meet a boy called Gonch, tell him he can ‘naff it’ with his money-making schemes.

“And of course ‘Just say no’. Very important that. They were confused as to why we were doing a lesson about heroin, but look at what happened to Zammo.

“At lunchtime I threw a sausage on a fork at them. Exciting things like that never happened at my real comprehensive in the 70s, but I wish they had.”

Bishop said he was unsure about teaching maths, history, English, biology and all the core GCSE subjects as that side of school life did not crop up on the show. 

He added: “We’re focusing more on dramatically interesting subjects like racial prejudice. Swearing is strictly forbidden, because you never heard that on Grange Hill.”