Wednesday, 12th August 2020

How to recreate the excitement of watching live sport now that you can't

NOW that coronavirus has stripped live sport from your life, how can you fill the hole where yelling at sweaty people on TV used to be? Here are five simple ways.

The competition

Nourish that competitive spirit by staging live events in your own home. School closures offer the perfect opportunity to race your kids. Or why not put two household appliances on at the same time and see which one completes its cycle first, whilst singing “You’ll never wash alone!”

The fighting

Missing the tension that sport used to bring to your life? Then why not try provoking your family? You could deliberately stoke the passive-aggression by casually mentioning to your Mum that you don’t want to have kids, or encourage a full-scale argument by telling your vegan sibling that climate change doesn’t exist. Just as exciting as any professional sports match!

The camaraderie

Conflicting expert opinions about how best to tackle coronavirus offer the perfect opportunity to choose your favourite epidemiologist and really get behind them. Create a WhatsApp group of fellow supporters so you can trade identical opinions late into the night, and don’t forget to send abuse to any idiot who supports an opposing mitigation strategy.

The stats

Recovery rates, missed chances, interception attempts, touches, assists: all of these familiar stats are still relevant in the coronavirus game, so get into it and soon you’ll soon be obsessing over the numbers with the same fervour.

The fantasy

Create a fantasy bog roll league! It’s all about making the right choices: do you go all out and try to get your hands on a highly sought-after 12-pack of Andrex supreme quilts? Or do you settle for the scratchy stuff from the corner shop? It costs less, but when it comes down to it, will it perform?