How to get autumn body ready

SUMMER is over, but is your body ready for the drab misery of autumn? Get in shape with these tips.

Eat lots of pies

Your toned summer physique will be useless against the drizzly ravages of autumn. Quickly put on layers of insulating flab by scoffing too many pies, chips, and any other food liable to knacker your arteries. Don’t forget to cancel the gym membership you never use either. The money you save can be spent on doughnuts.

Avoid sunlight

Want to fit in with all the other miserable-looking alabaster f**kers drinking pumpkin spice lattes this autumn? Cultivate a suitably pale complexion even the most hardcore of goths would envy by avoiding any and all natural light. If your tan won’t fade in time, try dabbing some talcum powder over the bronzed areas.

Catch a cold

No autumn body would be complete without a constant runny nose and flaky skin around the nostrils. To create this signature look, ask a friend’s child to sneeze directly into your face a few dozen times then go for a walk in the rain. With any luck you’ll wake up the next day with a healthy cold, or even better, pneumonia.

Buy the ugliest knitwear

A common mistake amongst amateurs. Even if you’ve piled on the pounds and are snivelling all the time, your autumn body will be incomplete without unflattering woollen jumpers and fingerless gloves that make you look like a Depression era hobo. Definitely invest in some snoods to look like a criminal or a terrorist.

Grow out all your body hair

Nobody will be seeing anything below your neck until April next year at the earliest, so you’re free to let your legs, armpits and pubic region go feral. Not only is this a peak autumn body aesthetic, but the lengths of matted hair will provide protection from the damp and cold. Just make sure you have a scythe ready to hack it all off come spring.

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The top ten accents you shouldn't mock but it's just not possible

IN the modern age, we should be better than mocking accents. But whose fault is it? Ours, or regional simpletons with funny voices? Here’s a top ten rundown:

10. Yokel

You’d think people who talked like their trousers are tied at the knees with harvesting twine were a thing of the past. But they’re still out there, gradually taking over cities like Bristol and Oxford, where they think lightbulbs are witchcraft.

9. Liverpudlian

Mockery of the Scouse accent has just caused the citizens of Liverpool to double down. In a half-time Sky analysis Jamie Carragher will spray enough phlegm to make the players stick to the pitch.

8. Geordie

Attempts at assimilation have proved futile and the Geordie accent remains as impenetrable as the consonant-free chatter of remote Amazonian tribes. Who have a longer life expectancy and healthier diet of poisonous tree frogs.

7. Yorkshire

However harmless the intentions of a Yorkshireman, the accent implies that he’s asking you into the car park for a fight. It may also be used for ‘straight talking’ and self-regarding comments like ‘I say as I see’, in which case they can stick a black pudding up their arse.

6. Welsh

The Welsh regard life as a musical. It’s not so much an accent as bursting into song every time you open your mouth.  

5. Stoke

You won’t recognise the accent because, like all of us, you’ve never been to Stoke-on-Trent. Also involves totally mangling the English language, eg. ‘I’m going make us dinners, duck.’ Robbie Williams had to spend ten years at a finishing school before being admitted to Take That.

4. Scottish

Want to sound drunk even when you’re sober? Sorted.

3. Posh

Big, broad, galloping vowels honking out some crap about Tamara’s start-up or skiing holidays. May decrease in popularity as an accent if the ruling class is slaughtered en masse like 18th century French aristocrats in the next few years.

2. Mancunian

You will never live Oasis down, nor will ever you be forgiven. Whinging dimwit Noel Gallagher? He is your god.

1. Brummie

You’re kind, good-natured and no doubt intelligent people but your accent is so bad if you invented a cure for cancer all the other scientists would think you were taking the mick and laugh. Also Adrian Chiles is a Brummie, so you owe the rest of the UK compensation.