How to ignore all common sense with the 'rule of six'

WORRIED you may still trust your own judgement rather than blindly following instructions from renowned logician Boris Johnson? Try these hypothetical scenarios: 

Visiting friends

You are a family of four and are planning to see two friends, who have two children of their own. Since you’ll be in the house the children live in, with their parents, should you just take your kids with you? 

ANSWER: No. The children should be sent to their grandparents for the duration, and can only return after being made to eat Werther’s Originals. 

After-work drinks

You have spent the day in the office, where no social distancing measures have been installed but if you complain you’ll be fired, and fancy a drink with colleagues. But there are seven of you. As you’ve all been together all day surely that can’t hurt? 

ANSWER: No. Only six people who know each other can go to the same pub. The seventh must go to a different pub and join you by Zoom. 

School emergency

Your children’s school is closing at lunchtime because of suspected Covid cases and you are stuck at work. A fellow parent has offered to look after your two kids, in her garden for safety, but is already looking after four. Is that okay? 

ANSWER: No. Children would be safer roaming the streets than in a group of seven. Covid marshalls will be watching. You’ll be fined. 

Houseshare

You live with four housemates. After an evening at the pub where you mix and flirt with many others, you take a bloke home for a night of passion. But when you arrive you find two friends have popped round for a smoke. Are you safe if you take your paramour straight upstairs? 

ANSWER: No. Slake your filthy proletarian passions with a knee-trembler against the front door if you have to. Covid marshalls have the power to enter your home without warrant and imprison you without charge. 

Family

You and your husband have five children. Surely that’s okay? 

ANSWER: No. Put one up for adoption. Let them draw straws.

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

'Who on earth has six mates?' man wonders

A MAN who only has four friends is wondering what sort of person would be so popular that limiting gatherings to six people would be a problem.

Martin Bishop, 45, has had a maximum of five friends in his life, and only enjoys the company of more than six people at work, weddings and funerals.

Bishop said: “My current friends are Pete, Roger, Gerard and Emma. Who are these people with more than six friends? Lady Gaga?

“I’m deliberately not counting my wife as a friend, because that would be cheating. In any case, four friends is plenty, although Gerard’s technically my postman. We have some great chats about Royal Mail parcel deliveries though. 

“I had another friend called Kevin in primary school but we lost touch when we were eight. I was at my most popular in secondary school when I knew a John and a Gary, because we all sat at the same table in form period.

“If you ask me these people with seven, eight or nine friends don’t have proper friendships at all. It’s just collecting friends like weirdos collect butterflies. Pretty pathetic really. 

“The thing is, I’m discerning. If you don’t share my passion for Airfix models of tanks and craft ale then I’m just not that into you.”