Friday, 30th October 2020

How to enjoy Freshers' Week from your childhood bedroom: a guide for students

JUST because universities are moving online doesn’t mean you can’t have a debauched Freshers’ Week. Here’s how to kick off your university experience from your childhood bedroom at your parents’ house.

Go on a Zoom pub crawl

This is just like a regular pub crawl, only without pubs. Instead you’ll be drinking in front of a laptop camera while you listen to a bunch of strangers talk about their A-level results. Maybe trudge to a different corner of your room every now and then to get that pub crawl feeling.

Pin up predictable posters

Freshers’ Week is traditionally a time to shed your insufferable teenage personality for a new but equally awful one. A quick way to do this is to hang up generically alternative posters of the Joker or Jimi Hendrix to show just how edgy you are. If you want to pass yourself off as a horny intellectual like Oscar Wilde, go for a Gustav Klimt poster.

Only eat takeaway food

To feel like a fresher you need to eat like a fresher. That means a diet of kebabs, pizzas and curries, which, combined with not walking to lectures, clubbing and so on, will soon make you dangerously obese. Don’t worry though, the blubber will sustain you through years of living on nothing but beans on toast once you’ve frittered your grant.

Let your laundry pile up

Even though there’s a perfectly functional washing machine in your parent’s house, purposefully ignore it until you finally decide to hand over three months’ worth of your smelly pants to your mum in a bin bag at Christmas. She’ll be overjoyed to finally experience this repulsive rite of university passage.

Phone a sex line

Awkward and unsatisfying sexual encounters are par for the course for freshers, and dialling a sex line is the perfect way to recreate them. On top of the feelings of guilt and emptiness you’ll be left with, you’ll also have the added thrill of explaining a sky-high phone bill to your parents.