Dominic Cummings' guide to breaking the new lockdown rules

ALRIGHT plebs, it’s Dominic Cummings here, the guy who single-handedly destroyed the public’s willingness to follow lockdown rules. Here’s my advice on how to get round the new guidelines.

Use your family as a human shield

You can get away with anything if you say you’re acting in the best interests of your family. Even something as ludicrous as driving them halfway across the country while you’re hacking up a deadly virus. That’s just good parenting.

Say you were testing your people-counting skills

We’ve all been cooped up indoors for so long we don’t know what large groups of people look like anymore. If the police try to slap a fine on you, tell them you organised a large gathering to check your numeracy skills. It worked with that eye test rubbish.

Spout meaningless phrases

When my feet were held to the fire over that Barnard castle nonsense I said I was behaving ‘reasonably and legally’ until everyone was exhausted by the whole thing. Show obvious contempt while you’re doing your ‘stuck record’ act – people’s rage will wear them out quicker.

Refuse to apologise

If you’re expected to say sorry in a rose garden or something, turn up half an hour late and idly recite a poorly conceived cover story, eg. “I only invited all those people over to find a cure for Covid. The booze and the music just made it look like a party.”  

Believe you’re just better than everyone else

If you slouch around in a ratty T-shirt and beanie and act like you’re untouchable then no one can lay a finger on you. It helps if you’ve got the prime minister of Great Britain in your pocket, but a clever ploy like that is why you are all nobodies and I am the Mekon.

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Woman who calls puppy her 'baby' unsure why she doesn't have a boyfriend

A WOMAN who carries her puppy everywhere, along with poo bags, a special fluffy bed and dehydrated raw chicken snacks, is unsure why her first dates go no further.

Lauren Hewitt said: “I bring Poopsie everywhere. I call him Poopsie because he likes to poop on the duvet. He’s a naughty little boy but I love him unconditionally.

“I’ve noticed he seems to put people off on dates, which is odd. I have lots of varied topics of conversation, such as canine dental hygiene and how raw diets are what he needs for optimal nutrition.

“It’s not like I plaster my social media with photos. Poopsie’s got his own Instagram account with 500 followers already. It takes a bit of time maintaining all his connections, but he’s got doggie friends all over the world. He’s doing a Facebook Live event tomorrow.

“I don’t get why men laugh nervously when he does his mock-biting. It’s only because, as rivals for my affection, he instinctively wants to rip them to shreds. Honestly, a tiny bit of blood and suddenly they’ve all got plans later in the evening.

“Obviously I’m unemployed since the office said I couldn’t take him in permanently, but how could I leave him in the flat all day? Also I like talking to dog owners in the park. It’s such a lovely community. 

“For some reason lots of them seem to be single.”