Thursday, 13th May 2021

Dominic Cummings' guide to breaking the new lockdown rules

ALRIGHT plebs, it’s Dominic Cummings here, the guy who single-handedly destroyed the public’s willingness to follow lockdown rules. Here’s my advice on how to get round the new guidelines.

Use your family as a human shield

You can get away with anything if you say you’re acting in the best interests of your family. Even something as ludicrous as driving them halfway across the country while you’re hacking up a deadly virus. That’s just good parenting.

Say you were testing your people-counting skills

We’ve all been cooped up indoors for so long we don’t know what large groups of people look like anymore. If the police try to slap a fine on you, tell them you organised a large gathering to check your numeracy skills. It worked with that eye test rubbish.

Spout meaningless phrases

When my feet were held to the fire over that Barnard castle nonsense I said I was behaving ‘reasonably and legally’ until everyone was exhausted by the whole thing. Show obvious contempt while you’re doing your ‘stuck record’ act – people’s rage will wear them out quicker.

Refuse to apologise

If you’re expected to say sorry in a rose garden or something, turn up half an hour late and idly recite a poorly conceived cover story, eg. “I only invited all those people over to find a cure for Covid. The booze and the music just made it look like a party.”  

Believe you’re just better than everyone else

If you slouch around in a ratty T-shirt and beanie and act like you’re untouchable then no one can lay a finger on you. It helps if you’ve got the prime minister of Great Britain in your pocket, but a clever ploy like that is why you are all nobodies and I am the Mekon.