How to stay warm when you can’t afford to put the heating on: Rishi Sunak explains

AS resident of a five-bedroom townhouse in London and a Georgian mansion in Yorkshire, heating bills are the bane of my life. Here are tips on staying warm when the Aga’s broken: 

Eat more

A surefire way of staving off the cold is to boost your calorie intake. Ask your cook to rustle up a hearty pie, or rifle through the pantry for loose pumpkin seeds. Struggling to make ends meet? Why not indulge a spare Frube from your child’s generous free school meals package? My favourite flavour is peach.

Do star jumps

I don’t need Joe Wicks to tell me that three hundred star jumps a day will have you sweatier than Matt Hancock at karaoke. Try to incorporate them into your daily routine, for example while asking your housekeeper to take the bins out, brushing your horse, or taking calls from lobbyists.

Go for a drive

A car’s much smaller and easier to heat than a house, and when it’s a government Mercedes with a Special Branch driver it’s a lovely quiet place to relax. A few spins around the M25 and you’ll be sleeping like a baby in the leather rear seats.

Use your tortoise’s heat lamp

No British home is complete without a reptile terrarium. Clamber in with your shelled companions and bask in the warmth of their red light. If you’re cold-blooded like Michael Gove, you won’t need asking twice. He’s never out.

Fly to Brazil

Britain a little cold for you? Why not jet out to Rio with your entire family? Then, after you’ve sunned yourself on Copacabana beach, jump on a flight back and do the weekly shop for your elderly relatives.

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Children naturally awful

CHILDREN are dreadful regardless of whether they have had sugar, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies monitored the behaviour of a group of under-10s before and after eating an immense bag of Haribo Star Mix.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “They were little f**kers before eating the sweets and they were little fuckers after. Basically they’re little f**kers.

“The effect of sugar has long been exaggerated by parents keen to refute the obvious truth that their offspring are drooling, messy little psychopaths whose main goal is finding animals to harm.”

Seven-year-old Emma Bradford, who had not eaten anything sugary, said: “I hit Gerald in the face for no reason.”

Then she pointed to a table and asked “What’s that?” 28 times before deliberately running face first into a door and blaming someone else.

Professor Brubaker said: “Sugar does virtually nothing. I just had a cup of tea with four sugars in it and it’s not like I’ve done an E. Everything is normal.

“Clearly there are chemicals that would affect kids’ behaviour. Really strong sedatives that make them into docile zombies, devoid of the spark and spontaneity of youth. Some people see that as a bad thing, but those people can afford boarding school.”