AS resident of a five-bedroom townhouse in London and a Georgian mansion in Yorkshire, heating bills are the bane of my life. Here are tips on staying warm when the Aga’s broken:
A surefire way of staving off the cold is to boost your calorie intake. Ask your cook to rustle up a hearty pie, or rifle through the pantry for loose pumpkin seeds. Struggling to make ends meet? Why not indulge a spare Frube from your child’s generous free school meals package? My favourite flavour is peach.
Do star jumps
I don’t need Joe Wicks to tell me that three hundred star jumps a day will have you sweatier than Matt Hancock at karaoke. Try to incorporate them into your daily routine, for example while asking your housekeeper to take the bins out, brushing your horse, or taking calls from lobbyists.
Go for a drive
A car’s much smaller and easier to heat than a house, and when it’s a government Mercedes with a Special Branch driver it’s a lovely quiet place to relax. A few spins around the M25 and you’ll be sleeping like a baby in the leather rear seats.
Use your tortoise’s heat lamp
No British home is complete without a reptile terrarium. Clamber in with your shelled companions and bask in the warmth of their red light. If you’re cold-blooded like Michael Gove, you won’t need asking twice. He’s never out.
Fly to Brazil
Britain a little cold for you? Why not jet out to Rio with your entire family? Then, after you’ve sunned yourself on Copacabana beach, jump on a flight back and do the weekly shop for your elderly relatives.