How to survive a pandemic according to TV and films

THE coronavirus pandemic is imminent, but anyone who’s seen any movie or TV show about pandemics will be fine. Follow these tips:

Virus victims become zombies

99 per cent of viruses cause zombieism, with the sole exception being Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. Once anyone’s infected there’s a short window before they attack you so stockpile weapons rather than following public health advice or visiting a doctor.

Someone close will secretly be infected

But who? While you wait for symptoms to develop, tie everyone to a chair or handcuff them to a water pipe. This might seem cruel to your children if it wasn’t exactly what you fantasised about doing every day of the half-term holiday.

Expect difficult ethical decisions

Escaping the virus will inevitably involve dilemmas such as whether to leave a seriously ill person behind. You can never just pop them in a shopping trolley and continue at broadly the same pace.

The car keys are in the sun visor

If you need to steal a vehicle to escape an area infected with coronavirus, the keys will be stored under the sun visor. The car will have petrol, the battery won’t be flat and you’ll drive happily away.

The military will be trying to kill you

Most viruses are military experiments gone awry, so when soldiers offer to help, run away. There’s no chance they are merely providing support to civilian emergency services and you will die in the woods unnecessarily when they could have just given you an injection.

Everyone will turn evil in a matter of days

Previously normal people will slit your throat for a Cup-a-Soup. The local scout leader will turn his troop into a cannibal cult. And the first person to mention ‘our solemn duty to repopulate the planet’ needs to get kicked in the nads, hard.

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Hollywood all cleaned up after the only man who did this stuff convicted

HOLLYWOOD has pronounced itself free of all abuses of power after the only man who ever abused his power was jailed. 

Harvey Weinstein, convicted yesterday, was the sole man in the entire movie business who used his position in a criminal manner and now he has been locked up, everyone is safe again.

Leading Hollywood agent Denys Finch Hatton said: “The era of the casting couch, which began with Weinstein but used a term which pre-dates him by about 65 years, is now over.

“None of the rest of Hollywood’s powerful men have ever done anything terrible like this, as the actresses they date who are 30 years younger will affirm.

“Like a killer from a quiet suburb, Weinstein was a total aberration who none of us knew about and all of us were shocked by. Now he’s gone, nothing like that will ever happen again.

“Any young, hopeful, beautiful actresses – or indeed actors – can rest assured Los Angeles is a safe space that respects their boundaries.”

He added: “And if you don’t believe me, just watch the movie we’re going to make exonerating ourselves completely. Open casting next week.”