Human suffering not profitable enough

THE operator of Britain’s only privately-run NHS hospital has admitted that it is struggling to make enough money out of human misery.

Bosses at the healthcare business are baffled that serious injuries, life-threatening conditions and age-related dementia have not been the goldmines everyone expected them to be.

Senior executive Tom Logan said: “When I see someone wheezing along clutching a drip, their body unable to fight off infection, I naturally think ‘Ker-ching!’, so a hospital full of them was a licence to print money.

“But it turns out that you’re not allowed to demand they hand over their life savings or house before you give with the good drugs, and that there are absolutely loads of diseases that can’t be efficiently cured with one injection and an overnight stay.

“What are people in healthcare for? Because if they’re helping people and alleviating suffering without making a mint out of it, I think that’s sick.”

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Cats’ New Year resolutions already broken

CATS have once again utterly failed to keep their resolutions to change their ways in the new year.

Despite the best intentions, 96 per cent of felines had broken promises not to scratch, vomit on carpets or simply to acknowledge their owners occasionally by noon on January 1st.

Seven-year-old black cat Gwendolyne of Leicester had vowed to eat cheap tinned food twice a week and to be more affectionate.

She said: “I meant it, I really did, but when he tried to touch me I hissed instinctively, and when he pulled his hand back it reminded me of a small rodent and well, I’m not proud of what happened next.”

Bristol tabby Tigger’s resolution not to clean his private parts in the centre of the living room lasted almost 11 hours, according to owner Nikki Hollis.

She said: “He was doing so well that I invited the neighbours round, confident there would be no ‘unpleasantness’.

“I was pouring the tea when Tigger strutted in, a lascivious look in his eye, and settled down to what I can only describe as a defiant display of cat pornography.”

Tigger said: “I’m sorry, and to make it up to you I’ve brought you the gift of an eviscerated thrush.

“I’ve left it on the kitchen floor. Don’t wear slippers.”