Humans only able to eat avocado by imagining a sausage

EATING avocados is only possible by visualising a delicious sausage, it has been claimed.

Jenny Cresswell, a self-styled ‘Snapchat health-guru’, admitted the pulpy, meat-substitute is about as tasty as slimy chalk.

She said: “I’ve been pretending to like avocados for years, mostly as a self-serving statement on how much healthier and fitter I am than other people, but nobody knows that secretly I imagine it’s sausages.

“It’s the same approach I take to doing anything remotely healthy like lifting heavy stuff and pretending ice cream isn’t just bloody incredible.

“Could you imagine how difficult it would be to motivate yourself to do that crap if you didn’t construct an elaborate fantasy to trick yourself?”

She added: “Eating food you actively hate and lying to yourself is one of the foundations of living a long and grimly boring life of protein shakes and turkey mince.”

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Father stuns family by displaying an emotion

A FATHER of two has sent shock waves through his family by showing a complex emotion.

When asked by his teenage daughter what career aspirations he had as a youngster, chartered accountant Bill McKay reportedly went very quiet and mumbled something about racing cars.

Daughter Susan McKay said: “Something flashed across Dad’s eyes. I think it was sadness mixed with inexpressible regret, but I can’t be sure because I’ve never seen him feel anything. It was horrifying.

“Dad has always been our rock – by which I mean he is basically inanimate.”

McKay’s son Andrew added: “Dad is normally the kind of person who just gets on with life. He’s very practical and keeps himself busy – taking out the bin, giving us lifts, or burying his feelings in the garden.

“I want Dad to be happy, of course, but more than that, I want him to be completely emotionally neutral.”

McKay’s wife Jane said: “I know men can have a bit of a wobble as they reach middle age. But I never dreamed he’d start emoting.”

Mr McKay has confirmed that he will be not be showing emotion again for many years.