Zac Goldsmith has lavish, multi-million pound tantrum

A FURIOUS Zac Goldsmith is throwing gold bars through 90-inch televisions, it has been confirmed.

The 41-year-old was seen breaking Faberge eggs, putting his foot through a Picasso and hurling an Eames chair out of a window onto a Bentley.

Passer-by Eleanor Shaw said: “I saw him staring out of the window of his Richmond Park home, then suddenly he gripped the neck of his £880 tailored organic cotton shirt and tore it in two.

“He went on a rampage of luxury destruction, throwing an iMac into a Ming vase, snapping a De Beers diamond necklace with his bare hands, and repeatedly smashing a Stradivarius violin into an antique crystal Italian chandelier.

“He stopped to catch his breath and I thought it was all over. Then he opened the safe.

“Within moments the whole room was a blizzard of shredded banknotes and property deeds, which he then set alight with the fumes from a case of 200-year old cognacs.

“He came out and sat on the front step, head in hands, distractedly flicking a handful of Krugerrands into the gutter.

“I heard him muttering to himself, ‘Calm down, Zac. It’s okay. No damage done. No real damage done.’”

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Boat just so pissed off

A POLAR research vessel has admitted it is both disappointed and angry to not be called Boaty McBoatface. 

The £200m vessel, which will now be called the RSS Sir David Attenborough, is worried the British people will think it does not have a sense of humour.

Speaking from the Liverpool dockyard where it is being constructed, it said: “I thought Boaty McBoatface was hilarious, you know? A real breath of fresh air.

“All the other guys on the Arctic beat are like Oceania or Polar Star, so the minute I sail in I’m the party boat. Like ‘Hey, who wants to go do shots on Boaty McBoatface?’

“Instead I’m named after some boring old bastard. I don’t know who David Attenborough is, but I do know this: he’s an enemy of democracy and he hates the British people.

“Secretly I’ll always be Boaty McBoatface. In my heart.”

Polar researcher Dr Helen Archer said: “What the British public don’t perhaps realise is that our jobs are lonely, difficult and dangerous.

“Nobody wants to die on a ship called Boaty McBoatface.”