Rural families don’t want internet, electricity, water or roads, says government

THE government has decided that rural homes do not want broadband internet, electricity, water, sewerage or use of the road network. 

The rollout of broadband internet has been halted before connecting the final five per cent of homes, and disconnection of their power supplies, telephone lines, and water will begin shortly.

Environment Secretary Liz Truss said: “Rural families, happily engaged in simple pursuits such as lifting hay on pitchforks and leaning on fences, do not need the distractions of the internet.

“They eschew new-fangled flushing toilets that waste good fertiliser, rightly distrust the telephone, and have no need of electric light because they prefer the darkness.

“They are happier being cut off from society, engaging in traditional rural pursuits such as running after chickens and spending long evenings staring silently at fires.

“Rural households must, of course, pay all applicable taxes. But money is just paper to them.”

Farmer Stephen Malley, from Lincolnshire, said: “I did want broadband so I could stream Orange is the New Black on Netflix, but I suppose I’ll have to go badger-baiting instead.

“It does involve less buffering.”

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People who tell it like it is obviously telling it like it isn’t

PEOPLE who express themselves in plain, simple terms are invariably wrong, it has emerged.

Researchers found those who are credited with ‘no-nonsense’ views are, in fact, espousing ‘yes-nonsense’ views.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said, “In East Yorkshire, for example, we found that an area claimed by ‘straight talkers’ to be overrun by immigrants turned out to be sparsely populated but with a vital cornershop owned by an Asian couple.”

The Institute also studied BBC schedules for signs of ‘rampant liberal bias’ but found it was mostly programmes about baking, dancing and John Craven standing in a field.

Meanwhile, a survey of so-called ‘pro-cycling fascists’ found no evidence of National Socialism or any plans for the mass oppression of non-cyclists.

Brubaker added: “Overall, we found those ‘telling it like it is’ were parroting something Nigel Farage said based on something Richard Littlejohn wrote for the Daily Mail based on something he heard from a bloke in a van.”