Rural families don’t want internet, electricity, water or roads, says government

THE government has decided that rural homes do not want broadband internet, electricity, water, sewerage or use of the road network. 

The rollout of broadband internet has been halted before connecting the final five per cent of homes, and disconnection of their power supplies, telephone lines, and water will begin shortly.

Environment Secretary Liz Truss said: “Rural families, happily engaged in simple pursuits such as lifting hay on pitchforks and leaning on fences, do not need the distractions of the internet.

“They eschew new-fangled flushing toilets that waste good fertiliser, rightly distrust the telephone, and have no need of electric light because they prefer the darkness.

“They are happier being cut off from society, engaging in traditional rural pursuits such as running after chickens and spending long evenings staring silently at fires.

“Rural households must, of course, pay all applicable taxes. But money is just paper to them.”

Farmer Stephen Malley, from Lincolnshire, said: “I did want broadband so I could stream Orange is the New Black on Netflix, but I suppose I’ll have to go badger-baiting instead.

“It does involve less buffering.”