Britain realises it can only handle a four-day week

BRITONS have confirmed that four days of work per week is the most they can be expected to cope with.

Workers across the country have been hit with the terrifying realisation that they will be expected to work all five days of next week, causing widespread panic.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “It’s like something from a Dickens novel.

“There must be some way out of this. Surely we get Monday off for the feast day of Pachomius the Great and I’m pretty sure Tuesday is Constitution Day in Micronesia.”

Britain has fewer public holidays than other European countries such as Italy and Spain where Catholic festivals are observed and France where people only work if they really feel like it.

Jane Thomson, from Stevenage, added: “I’m considering going on strike, but I’m not sure it counts if it’s just one person. I think that’s just called not going to work.”

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Can we kill Corbyn yet? asks knife-wielding mob of Labour MPs

MODERATE Labour MPs wielding knives are asking if Labour’s results are bad enough to slaughter Jeremy Corbyn. 

The MPs, who have been up all night sharpening their weapons, applying warpaint and watching BBC Election 2016, are growing restless and hungry for leftie blood.

John Mann, MP for Bassetlaw, said: “Quiet, damn you, quiet! We have to be patient.

“If we stream out of the Commons now, gleaming weapons held high above our smoke-blackened faces, our ululating voices joined in a wordless cry for vengeance, we may not have the membership behind us.

“We have already lost Dudley council and seen our majority reduced to a single seat in Derby. One more disappointment and the country will accept that Corbyn must die.

“Then, when we take Parliament Square and seize Jeremy in front of the cameras, butchering him in a frenzy of bloodlust, the UK will know that moderate Labour is reborn.

“Come, let us practice chanting ‘Kill the beast’ a little more. Soon, soon, I promise you.”

Rachel Reeves, MP for Leeds West, said: “I’ve armed myself with a bayonet and I’ve been practising on a sack of potatoes all night.

“Gosh, this is exciting isn’t it. This is what you get into politics for.”