Scottish Labour beaten into ninth place by Human Sacrifice Party

THE Labour Party in Scotland has finished ninth behind a party promising more human sacrifices.

Labour has won two seats in the Scottish Parliament while the Human Sacrifice Party has won three and could now form a coalition with the SNP.

Human Sacrifice Party leader and high priestess, Juliana Cook, said: “We found we were more credible on the doorstep than Labour.

“People seemed genuinely interested in our agenda and liked the fact that we did not side with the Tories in the independence referendum.

“We did explain it was only because the referendum was not about sacrificing virgins on an altar on top of a mountain, but they seemed fine with that.”

Cook added: “We would very much like to be part of a coalition with the SNP. We have only one demand.”

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Zac Goldsmith refusing to come out of toilet

TORY London mayoral candidate Zac Goldsmith has locked himself in a toilet with a book of Latin poetry and some truffles.

Goldsmith, who spent his final day of campaigning telling himself it will all be over soon, is ignoring pleas from the family to open the door so that they can all talk it through.

The glassy-eyed millionaire addressed a crowd of supporters in Romford yesterday, thanking them for their support “throughout this miserable, Kafkaesque ordeal.”

Goldsmith said: “Well, this has been a disaster, hasn’t it. Just one more day, then I can go back to Richmond and pretend it was all a horrible nightmare.“

A planned meet-and-greet with voters had to be abandoned when Goldsmith broke down and started sobbing that he just wanted to go home and hold a cushion.

Conservative supporter Margaret Gerving said: “I really like Zac and I want him to be happy, which is why I’ll be voting for Sadiq Khan.”