Hypochondriacs welcome ludicrous new health scare

BRITAIN’S hypochondriacs are delighted by claims that wi-fi could in some way harm their health.

A thrilling mix of danger and narcissism

The imaginary health risks posed by the well-understood technology have the dual benefit of allowing hypochondriacs to wallow in self-concern while not actually becoming ill.

Administrator Tom Logan said: “The thought of getting cancer or brain damage from wi-fi really gives me something to think about in my incredibly mundane life.

“With all these wi-fi waves about to give me a tumour it’s like I’m watching a particularly gripping episode of Casualty that’s all about me.

“Also wi-fi is everywhere these days, so I can kick up a fuss in almost any situation in order to get the attention I so desperately crave.”

Hypochondriacs believe wi-fi causes human tissue to mutate at a cellular level due to electromagnetic resonance, or some other pseudo-scientific bullshit they read about on the internet.

Brain surgeon Donna Sheridan said: “If people are concerned about wi-fi they should come and see me so I can at least have the satisfaction of telling them to stop being time-wasting, superstitious peasants.

“Alternatively wearing a metal bucket on your head will block out both wi-fi waves and your ill-informed bleating.”

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Average Masterchef contestant looks a decade older than they are

THE gruelling and horrible chef lifestyle has prematurely aged contestants on BBC Two’s Masterchef: The Professionals.

Health experts found that Masterchef contestants look on average a decade older than their years thanks to a combination of extreme stress, no natural light and loads of fags.

Doctor Mary Fisher said: “The average life expectancy of a chef is similar to that of a Dickensian orphan working in an explosives factory.

“The job is to stay up really late every night getting shouted at and burning yourself, which is why these talented 25-year-olds have the kind of eye-bags usually see on a retired coach driver.

“To put it in context, Marcus Wareing is 23 and Monica is only 19.”