If you want any over the next four months cuff up now, Professor Van-Tam advises singles

PROFESSOR Jonathan Van-Tam has advised the UK’s singles that if they want to get any winter action they must cuff up this weekend. 

The deputy chief medical officer yesterday took to his podium with a series of graphs showing decreasing hook-up opportunities as the winter progresses, and forecasting a rate of 0.0005 per cent by the end of December.

He said: “Winter is always a time when the sexual window narrows. But the impact of the Omicron variant has accelerated that process.

“If, as SAGE has recommended, hospitality venues such as pubs, clubs and restaurants close early next week, then I regret anyone not already in the preliminary stages of courtship might as well cut it off.

“Aspiring couples essentially have this weekend to close the deal. Use well-ventilated venues, ignore red flags, wear masks, focus on compatibility in the bedroom, get your booster jabs, and use contraception.

“I cannot stress enough you might not get any cock until April if you do not act now.”

Following Van-Tam’s statement the prime minister told everyone not to cancel parties, that Christmas shags with hometown exes would go ahead as planned, and there would be fanny like there was no tomorrow.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'What the f**k am I meant to do with 10 lords a-leaping?' Your 12 Days of Christmas problems solved

YOUR true love has gone a bit over the top this Christmas with a parade of frankly f**ked-up gifts. What to do with them?

12 drummers drumming

An obvious regift to anyone you hate. Send the drummers to the home of your nemesis at 3am, keeping a frenetic beat. Yuletide joy guaranteed.

11 pipers piping

A perfect complement to the drummers, you might think, but there are too many twats who’d love the full Edinburgh tattoo. March them into the sea while you watch from a crag.

10 lords a-leaping

A tough sell as a gift. But Boris Johnson’s been packing the Lords with Tories so Keir Starmer will be glad of the reinforcements, however springy.

Nine ladies dancing

The regulars from Strictly. Dispatch them to have affairs with C-list celebrities then sell the stories to The Sun. A valuable income stream.

Eight maids a-milking

Farming’s largely mechanised these days. Maybe they still do it the old way with Prince Charles’s heritage organic bullshit? Put them free on Gumtree, someone will take them.

Seven swans a-swimming

Dangerous both physically, because they can break your arm, and legally, because they’re the Queen’s. Fly-tip in a lay-by.

Six geese a-laying

Another mob of intimidating waterfowl, thanks loads. Persuade a middle-class mate that geese are the new chickens and palm them off that way.

Five gold rings 

Cash for gold. Put it in Bitcoin.

Four calling birds

The physical manifestation of Twitter. Put in any workplace and soon they’ll have called out so much problematic behaviour everyone will be fired.

Three French hens

Persuade the same middle class mate, who now can’t set foot in his garden for hissing geese, to take them. They’re pure-bred Bresse Gauloise, £50 apiece.

Two turtle doves

Finally something romance-adjacent. Hire out to weddings or just keep around for date night.

A partridge in a pear tree

Plant the tree and eat the partridge. Thank your true love so much for their generous, imaginative and impractical gifts. Ask for vouchers next year.