PROFESSOR Jonathan Van-Tam has advised the UK’s singles that if they want to get any winter action they must cuff up this weekend.
The deputy chief medical officer yesterday took to his podium with a series of graphs showing decreasing hook-up opportunities as the winter progresses, and forecasting a rate of 0.0005 per cent by the end of December.
He said: “Winter is always a time when the sexual window narrows. But the impact of the Omicron variant has accelerated that process.
“If, as SAGE has recommended, hospitality venues such as pubs, clubs and restaurants close early next week, then I regret anyone not already in the preliminary stages of courtship might as well cut it off.
“Aspiring couples essentially have this weekend to close the deal. Use well-ventilated venues, ignore red flags, wear masks, focus on compatibility in the bedroom, get your booster jabs, and use contraception.
“I cannot stress enough you might not get any cock until April if you do not act now.”
Following Van-Tam’s statement the prime minister told everyone not to cancel parties, that Christmas shags with hometown exes would go ahead as planned, and there would be fanny like there was no tomorrow.