Increased drinking caused by cancer fears

PEOPLE are drinking more to distract themselves from constantly worrying about cancer.

New research shows that every time new research shows a new link to cancer, people respond by getting so drunk they forget they even read about it in the first place.

In a review of cancer research projects, the Institute for Studies found that each one of them can cause an average British adult to drink at least 170 per cent more than the recommended daily limit.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “This 1996 report linking cancer to self-assembly furniture is the research equivalent of nine gin and tonics or a cheeky wee bucket of Albanian Chardonnay.

“An American study from 2002 linking cancer to looking at a photograph of a cartoon badger smoking a pipe is the same as lining up 14 shots of Jim Beam along the bar and proclaiming yourself ‘The Shitfaced King of the Monkeymen’.

“And any link of any kind between cancer and chocolate can make a British woman in her thirties drink so much Pinot Grigio she ends up falling asleep upside down on a strange man’s toilet.”

He added: “There is of course a link between stress and cancer and drinking. Stress causes both cancer and drinking, while drinking eliminates both stress and any memory of articles about stress and cancer, which in a nice, neat way are now the single biggest cause of stress.

“The answer is to either stop reading newspapers or for every drop of alcohol in this country to be sold at below cost price.”

Meanwhile, Brubaker admitted that bringing up the subject of drinking and cancer on a Friday, during a spell of warm, sunny weather, does make him seem like the sort of utterly miserable fucker who deserves to be eaten by a crocodile.



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Interns to be paid for the work they create

THE slack-jawed offspring of company executives should be paid for the extra tasks they generate during work experience, it has been claimed.

The Conferedation of British Industry estimates the expensively-educated and preternaturally sluggish children of Britain’s senior management currently generate 43% of the country’s workload.

A CBI spokesman said: “These dopey, very tall, price-of-everything-value-of-nothing young people deserve to share in the GDP they generate by doing simple tasks badly, throwing important documents in a skip and opening email attachments entitled ‘Massive Virus’.

“At the moment most of them are forced to exist on nothing except the full-board, generous weekly allowance and fortnightly snowboarding sabbaticals provided by their fathers.”

Tom Logan, 22, said: “Sometimes people don’t take interns seriously but I was in dad’s office for three days last week, excluding the time off I needed to buy a scooter.

“On Tuesday I had to go to the warehouse. It was full of stocky men with body odour and accents. I didn’t like it. So I accidentally spilled my Ribena on one of the machines and left.”

Meanwhile critics of the internship culture insist it should be opened up so that it can give false hope to poor people.

Personnel consultant Nikki Hollis said: “We could trick them into knuckling down instead of stealing our cars and making noise in the street at night. It’ll be like Jamie’s Dream School, but with arguments about staplers.

“If just one of them goes away with the misconception that success in this country is somehow linked to merit it will all have been worth it it.”