Is it worth having a pension or would you be amazed if you lived that long?

EVERYONE should put money into a pension scheme but is it worth it if you smoke, drink heavily and are reckless with your life choices? Take our test.

How often do you drink?
A. I drink one glass of wine per day as recommended by health experts but I make a point of not enjoying it.
B. Does the pint I’m drinking right now count towards that?

How often do you smoke?
A. Never. It’s a disgusting habit.
B. Crack or meth?

Do you ever take drugs?
A. No, but I did once linger around a joss stick that I liked the scent of.
B. I try to stick to weekends, evenings and if I need a pick-me-up at work after a heavy night.

What’s your diet like?
A. Lentils and water.
B. Does Mars Bars washed down with Irn-Bru count as a diet?

Do you exercise?
A. Only a few hours a day. Been letting it slip lately.
B. My daily walk to Greggs for a sausage, cheese and bean melt takes at least four minutes.

Mostly As – Yes, you should definitely be putting money into a pension scheme as you’re probably going to live to over 100. The next 50 years will be exceptionally dull but it sounds like all the previous ones were too.

Mostly Bs – Say f**k it to a pension scheme and instead spend your money on a personal trainer, a therapist and a nice long stint in rehab. Or just keep going with the drugs.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Lazy bastard rediscovers comfort zone

A MAN who made a string of rash New Year’s resolutions has happily sunk back into his comfort zone.

When resolving to be a whole new person in 2020, Tom Logan overlooked the fact that he is very fond of the rut he has been wallowing in for the last decade.

Logan said: “What I’d forgotten is that my comfort zone is comfortable, and I’m ultimately a lazy bastard.

“I’ve proved that I could do a salsa class on Mondays, learn Spanish on Wednesdays and train for a triathlon on weekends, plus household chores, and now I can resume not doing any of those things, ever.

“The groove in my sofa has become less sculpted since Christmas, but I’m willing to put in the hours until it returns to being a perfect mould of my increasingly large backside. That’s really something to aspire to.”

Wife Clare Logan said: “On one hand it’s a shame because I started fancying Tom again after he lost a stone and found out where the washing machine is.

“On the other, thank f**k I’m spared the sight of him in Lycra for another year.”