Sunday, 25th October 2020

I'm having an emotional support wank, man tells wife

A MAN has claimed that his right to masturbate should be protected for his mental health.

Tom Booker says that a wank at least once a day is necessary for him to thrive in life, adding that it is a human rights issue and definitely not just a chance for some alone time with BabeStation.

Booker said: “Some people have an emotional support dog, peacock, or pony, but  I have all the equipment I need for my well-being journey wherever I go. Even on the bus.”

Wife Eleanor Shaw commented: “Tom does seem to need a lot of support. He’s always off to the shed for a shufty. If I do so much as ask him to put the bins out, he storms off to clear his pipes out first.

“And when his team lose the football, he’ll be in state of intense emotional distress until he’s watched Kim Kardashian’s sex tape several times. I’m sure it makes him a better man.”