Spending day in dressing gown fine if you've paid £280 to be at a spa

FESTERING in a sweaty towelling gown all day is only acceptable if you have paid to do it at a luxury spa.

Experts have confirmed that spending a large amount of money to sit around shedding skin into a belted robe transforms it into an integral part of a wellness regime, instead of being merely lazy and disgusting.

Eleanor Shaw, who paid £280 to spend a day at a country hotel getting wet, then drying off in a robe while eating sandwiches and cake, said: “It’s worth every penny to be able to act like a total slob and call it ‘pampering’.

“It’s what I would have been doing at home anyway, except I can put this on Instagram without people thinking I’m having a breakdown.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Although relaxation is essential for health, there is still a stigma attached to being an idle bastard who leaves their bits hanging loose under towelling all day.

“Overpriced spa retreats have commodified being a slovenly layabout. It’s capitalism at its finest.”

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Woman buys in Easter eggs early, eats them, buys more in, eats, repeats

A WOMAN who decided to get her Easter shopping done early has become trapped in a cycle of chocolate consumption.

Nikki Hollis took advantage of the early availability of Easter eggs at Sainsbury’s and bought half-a-dozen for her children and relatives, wrongly imagining she had some willpower.

Despite hiding them in a top cupboard, a series of defeats to late-night temptation meant she had consumed all six eggs within a week.

Hollis said: “So I bought some more. And then the same thing happened again. And again. I had to go to Tesco for the last lot because I kept getting the same checkout man at Sainsbury’s.”

Hollis attempted to hide the fifth batch in her loft, which now contains no eggs and some discarded cardboard and foil wrapping. 

She added: “For the next lot I’ll have to bury them in a chest in the garden and throw away the key. It’s extreme, but I can’t see any other way.

“I blame the supermarkets. They’re taking advantage of totally pathetic people like me. They shouldn’t put these eggs on sale till Good Friday.”