Six habits of your f**king annoying housemates

DO your housemates annoy the hell out of you? They may well have some or all of these supremely annoying habits. 

They would rather live in a sh*t pit than empty the bin. They just keep balancing cr*p on top of other cr*p until it spills out like some weird game of ‘bin jenga’. Naturally there’s no way you’re emptying it – have you seen that thing?  

They try to talk to you first thing in the morning. “What have you got planned for today?”. “Did you sleep well?”. It’s like being interrogated by really boring detectives. Just f**k off and let me drink my coffee, pal. 

They bring dysfunctional friends round. It’s great to get home from work to find your living room occupied by a weirdo called Simon who doesn’t even say ‘hello’. And is he ever planning to leave or does he intend to sit silently in the armchair all night like a ghost?

Passive-aggressive nonsense. Notes in the kitchen are standard, but if they’re real passive-aggressive nutters, also weird sh*t like leaving an unwashed plate outside your bedroom door.

They leave sh*t stains on the toilet. Along with a host of other annoying domestic habits. After months of never throwing away empty loo rolls, keeping weird food in the fridge and obstructing the hallway with their mountain bikes it’s a miracle you haven’t gone on a murder spree.

Everything they do. Let’s face it, Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe sold us a lie and living in a wheelie bin would be better than sharing a space with these b*stards. 


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Bra enjoying its annual trip to the washing machine

A WOMAN’S bra is excited to finally be getting a f**king good wash. 

Donna Sheridan’s black M&S balconette brassiere has been worn for 365 days in a row without so much as a quick wipe down.

The bra said: “She’s worn me to the gym, to work, taken me dancing in clubs and even had sex in me. 

“I’m stiff, stained and I smell like a manky armpit yet still she puts me on day after day. 

“Knickers and socks get washed all the time yet all I can hope for is the occasional spray of some middle-of-the-range eau de toilette.   

“I’m pretty sure I only got put in the washing machine because I was stuck inside her favourite jumper.  

“I hesitate to use the word, but Donna is a slut.”