Junior doctor accompanied by 12 medical students tells patient to 'relax'

A PATIENT surrounded by a junior doctor and a crowd of eager young medical students has been told to ‘just relax’.

Tom Logan, who has a hernia ‘very close’ to his genitals, has been assured by 27 -year-old Dr Nathan Muir that ‘there is nothing to be embarrassed about’ while the 12 students stare intently at his exposed groin.

Dr Muir told Logan: “Don’t worry about them, they all got excellent A-level results so they’re really good people. But if it helps, just pretend they’re not here. And as we always say, ‘if you want privacy, you’ve come to the wrong health service’.

“Now, let’s take a look at the affected area. Ooh. Christ almighty, that’s a nasty one. Is it really sore? Everyone, come in a bit closer and get a proper look at this beauty.”

Medical student Eleanor Shaw said: “These notes are just meaningless scribble. I’m basically doing everything I can not to laugh out loud at this poor bastard.

“It’s fine though because we’ll be discussing it loudly in the pub tonight in a way that will make you think the health secretary might not be a total prick after all.

“Okay, maybe not that bad, but not far off.”

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Britons to milk EU divorce like sad-eyed children

THE British people are planning to demand a pony, an iPad and a trip to Disney World if the EU divorce gets any nastier, they have confirmed.

As the Brexit negotiations increasingly resemble a particularly toxic and dysfunctional marriage breakdown, the UK public have decided to rinse their authority figures for the things they have always wanted.

Nikki Hollis of Colchester said: “We know we’re not going to get anything constructive out of this shit show, like a decent economy or food security, so we’re going to play up until we get cool stuff.

“I’ve asked for Little Mix tickets and my husband wants a 4K telly, and if we don’t get them we’re going to act like we’re suffering psychological damage and need some one-to-one time. At a Little Mix concert.

“We’ll end up living with the UK, but we’ll prey on its insecurities by saying the EU lets us do fun stuff like staying up late drinking wine, then start crying out of nowhere to really hammer the guilt button until we get a Nintendo Switch.

“But we have to act now. Neither of them will have any money left when it’s over.”