Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Lockdown 2: The Sequel, ranked against all the other sequels

LOCKDOWN 2 has arrived just months after the end of the widely acclaimed first lockdown, but will it be a Ghostbusters 2 or an Aliens? Check our rankings:

Lockdown 2: Judgement Day

The second Terminator movie is a flawless masterpiece. Nothing this government does will ever compare, and if they’d made a Terminator film it would be the baffling turd of a movie that is Terminator Genisys.

Lockdown 2: The New Batch

Another month-long lockdown, with an option to extend, won’t ever reach the heights of the Gremlins movie that vastly improved on the first. Plus Gremlins 2 had a thinly-veiled Donald Trump analogue in it, and it’s looking like this one won’t. 

Lockdown 2: Die Harder

The title is a little bit too close to actual government policy to be palatable.

Lockdown 2: Their First Assignment

In fact it’s Dido Harding and the comically bumbling track and trace team’s second assignment, because they’ve already f**ked up the first. But thematically appropriate because there will be seven lockdowns spiralling down in quality, just like the Police Academy movies. 

Lockdown 2: The Secret of the Ooze

The title of the second Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film could remind the government to find out how Covid works, not just bugger about breaking international law to troll the EU. And much like the film, it could be the lame sequel that killed the franchise. And Vanilla Ice’s career with ‘Ninja Rap’. 

Lockdown 2: Cruise Control

That’s more like it: as with Speed 2, a disastrous sequel with all the best bits of the first one shorn away, leaving only a slow-motion catastrophe, the cost of which can never be justified. 

Lockdown 2: The Quickening

We can only hope that the second lockdown won’t be as agonisingly painful and soul-destroying as the second Highlander film. The living would envy the dead.