How to make it look like you're still working during all this

STRUGGLING to concentrate while the fate of America hangs in the balance? Here’s how to trick your boss into thinking you’re still putting in the hours, you slacker.

Send an email

Firing off a vague work-related email should keep your manager off your back for at least half an hour, in which time nothing will have changed anyway so it’s a bit of a wasted effort. If you’re still working in an office, claim your constant clicking to see if Trump has finally lost is just you really enjoying using spreadsheets.

Say you’ve got a meeting

Make a big song and dance about how you’ve got a 1-2-1 with the head of HR so you won’t be free for a while. Ironically, if you accidentally leave your webcam on and everyone sees you slumped on the couch doomscrolling Twitter, this fantasy will soon become a reality.

Post work-related social media statuses

Social media is all about creating a false identity, and there’s nothing more deceptive right now than the idea that you’re beavering away on an urgent report. All it takes is a few photos of you sternly glowering at your screen while chewing on a pen and you’re home free. For added authenticity, share them on LinkedIn.

Say ‘What election?’

These magic words will instantly create an illusion of industrious productivity. While everyone has been fretting about the result, your nose has been so close to the grindstone that you weren’t even aware of it. If anything you probably deserve a raise.

Go for a ‘fag break’

You can only take a break if you’ve been hard at work, so by popping out for a smoke you’re suggesting you’ve been busy grafting. Then go and study the news on your phone, although the stress of following the election is probably worse for your health than smoking loads of fags.

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John Lewis cuts hundreds of jobs to pay for bullshit advert

JOHN Lewis has let go hundreds of workers to cover the cost of making this year’s bullshit Christmas advert.

The department store had to make savings after it spunked millions creating a twee CGI character who will tug on people’s heartstrings to make them buy stuff that is cheaper elsewhere.

A spokesperson said: “It’s been a tough year, what with the deadly virus and all, but that pales in comparison to the cost of shooting an advert about a sombrero-wearing sprout who learns the true meaning of Christmas. Which is shopping at John Lewis.

“Recording that mournful, acoustic version of the Macarena didn’t come cheap either, so it made sense to send some people packing.

“It’ll be worth it though to see kids’ faces light up at the sight of Sancho Sprout and his branded hashtag on the telly. That’s one of those things money can’t buy, but mass lay-offs can.”

Sacked John Lewis employee Nikki Hollis said: “I’ve lost everything during this pandemic and I can’t claim furlough money. 

“But if it means I don’t have to sit in on meetings about that f**king talking sprout again, I’m happy.”