Saturday, 4th April 2020

Loo roll aisles to be turned into intensive care beds

UNUSED supermarket aisles that once, long ago, contained toilet paper could be repurposed as pop-up intensive care units. 

Asda, Tesco and Morrison’s have already volunteered their aisles, which could hold as many as eight beds each, while Waitrose aisles will be made available for BUPA members.

Health secretary Matt Hancock, who never really wanted the job and does not know what he has done to deserve this, said: “This is called taking the initiative in a crisis.

“Patients will be stacked three high where the Andrex used to be, with essential equipment wheeled through in those cages from out the back. Blood and plasma can easily be stored in the milk fridges.”

The measures are expected to be in place until toilet roll is freely available or the end of 2025, whichever comes first.

Grocery replenishment supervisor and junior trauma surgeon Tom Booker said: “There may be scope for more areas of our store to be turned into field hospital facilities.

“For example, once this final box of lentil pasta goes we can turn these shelves into a small A&E unit for panic-buying-related injuries.”