Loo roll aisles to be turned into intensive care beds

UNUSED supermarket aisles that once, long ago, contained toilet paper could be repurposed as pop-up intensive care units. 

Asda, Tesco and Morrison’s have already volunteered their aisles, which could hold as many as eight beds each, while Waitrose aisles will be made available for BUPA members.

Health secretary Matt Hancock, who never really wanted the job and does not know what he has done to deserve this, said: “This is called taking the initiative in a crisis.

“Patients will be stacked three high where the Andrex used to be, with essential equipment wheeled through in those cages from out the back. Blood and plasma can easily be stored in the milk fridges.”

The measures are expected to be in place until toilet roll is freely available or the end of 2025, whichever comes first.

Grocery replenishment supervisor and junior trauma surgeon Tom Booker said: “There may be scope for more areas of our store to be turned into field hospital facilities.

“For example, once this final box of lentil pasta goes we can turn these shelves into a small A&E unit for panic-buying-related injuries.”

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How to recreate your crappy office at home

MISSING your colleagues at your office job? Here’s how to recreate a soul-destroying office atmosphere while working from home.

Have incredibly inane conversations with pot plants

Replicate your mindless workplace chats with Gareth and June with whatever vegetation is to hand. Suggested topics include: ‘It’s a bit warmer today’, ‘I went to Nando’s at the weekend’, and ‘There’s a funny smell in the toilets’. The contributions from a silent spider plant will be every bit as scintillating.

Make sexist comments to your cat

No grim office is complete without lad banter. In the absence of any attractive female co-workers at home, whenever your cat walks past make a crude remark under your breath then act like it’s overreacting.

Engage in office politics with your kids

Don’t miss out on office backbiting by encouraging your kids to bitch about each other behind their backs, for example ‘Lucy, I don’t think Jack’s drawing of a spaceman is really cutting it, do you?’

Resent yourself for going to the pub

From now on, only go to the pub – your kitchen – for one hour exactly, even in the evening. If you’re even five minutes late getting back, mutter passive-aggressive comments to yourself like ‘I see you’ve decided to rejoin us’.

Hold a bullshit meeting with your kids’ toys

Waste your own time by having your line manager Mr Bunny hold a meeting about ‘proactive resource management going forward’, attended by Kevin the Crocodile and Buzz Lightyear. Do the voices yourself, and make sure Elsa prattles on for ages to get Mr Bunny’s attention because she is an ambitious cow.

Bully yourself in a mirror

Several times a week, tell yourself ‘I’m not happy with your attitude’ or ‘Get your act together, for f**k’s sake’. Finally snap and ask yourself ‘Right, d’you want to sort this out in the car park?’ Then sack yourself while threatening to get the police involved.