Monday, 25th May 2020

Britons spend lovely weekend being totally irresponsible dickheads

THE UK’s residents have spent a lovely sunny weekend behaving like stupid, reckless wankers, they have happily confirmed. 

Across the country, Britons instructed to stay home and keep away from others decided to completely ignore that advice and to cram into tourist attractions as if trying to break a f**king record.

Idiot and arsehole Nathan Muir of Derby said: “It’s so nice to see the sun out again. Makes you want to completely disregard all the dire warnings about a coronavirus pandemic and go to Matlock for fish ’n’ chips. So that’s exactly what I did.

“It was absolutely packed with other shitheads like me, queuing up and rubbing together and generally spreading infection, and we all had a lovely f**kwitted time.

“Apparently some people spent the whole two days indoors, not seeing people. I pity them. There might not be another weekend like this for ages.”

Epidemiologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Yes, when telling Britain that it must follow these rules or thousands will die, unfortunately we forgot that in this country it is dickheads’ parade every day of the f**king week.”