Britons spend lovely weekend being totally irresponsible dickheads

THE UK’s residents have spent a lovely weekend behaving like stupid, reckless wankers, they have happily confirmed.

Across the country, Britons advised to keep away from others and stay home if possible decided to completely ignore that advice and to cram into tourist attractions as if trying to break a f**king record.

Idiot and arsehole Nathan Muir of Derby said: “It’s so nice to see the sun out again. Makes you want to completely disregard all the dire warnings about a coronavirus pandemic and go to Matlock for fish ’n’ chips. So that’s exactly what I did.

“It was absolutely packed with other shitheads like me, queuing up and rubbing together and generally spreading infection, and we all had a lovely f**kwitted time.

“Apparently some people spent the whole two days indoors, not seeing people. I pity them. There might not be another weekend like this for ages.”

Epidemiologist Dr Helen Archer said: “Yes, when telling Britain that it must follow these rules or thousands will die, unfortunately we forgot that in this country it is dickheads’ parade every day of the f**king week.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Five smug middle-class social isolation activities

IF you’re middle-class and self-isolating, people still need to know that you’re better than them. Here’s how to do it.

Post links to tedious online gallery tours

You can pretend you’ve been learning about Michelangelo’s paintings in the Sistine Chapel, when actually you’ve been looking at the willies on the Elgin Marbles or having a wank over the Mona Lisa.

Volunteer and make sure everyone knows about it

Make a lasagne to drop off at the door of a local elderly person. Everyone will think you’re a saint when you post a picture on Facebook captioned ‘Just doing my bit!’ even though the truth is that you’re just offloading some out-of-date mince that was lowering the tone of your fridge.

Boast about using your second home as an isolation chamber

Even though you’re staying in London for the moment because it’s convenient to nip out to Waitrose, make sure your friends know you have a six-bedroom ‘cottage’ waiting in Cornwall ‘just in case’.

Make sure everyone knows you have a ‘pantry’

Panic buying is for people who have cupboards. You, on the other hand, have got a well-stocked pantry of essentials, including eggs from your bantams, tins of caviar, and a case of Dom Perignon for when self-isolation gets you down.

Enrol your children in unsuitable online courses

If Olivia and Marcus can’t go to school, it doesn’t mean they should stop learning. Enrol them in courses called things like Experimental Jazz For Toddlers and tell them they’ll thank you later when they say they’d rather watch CBeebies.

Next story ›