Lucky woman enjoys one whole week a month where her hormones aren't being a dick

A LUCKY woman is able to enjoy one week out of four without her uterus making her life shit, she has confirmed.

Charlotte Phelps’ body allows her to spend seven entire days of each month feeling cheerful and balanced, rather than being menstrual, pre-menstrual or ovulating.

Phelps said: “I feel so blessed to have had a small window of time – which adds up to a quarter of each year – not feeling sad, angry or in crippling pain.

“I ran out of tea bags and didn’t throw the kettle at the wall in a rage, then break down in floods of tears. I just strolled happily to the supermarket and smiled at everyone I met along the way.

“I’m making the most of it because next week my hormones will make me pay by giving me ovulation cramps, acne, hot flushes and headaches, followed by a week of crying, shouting and a general underlying feeling of impending doom.

“And after that I’ll have the actual period which makes me feel like I’m being fisted by Thanos. Anyone who thinks menstruation is a precious and magical feminine experience can get f**ked.”

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Why we’re hell bent on privatising Channel 4 when there’s more important shit to do, by Nadine Dorries

WONDERING why the government is obsessed with privatising Channel 4 when there are more pressing matters at hand? The Culture Secretary explains.

We can’t take criticism

Just ask the BBC. They do their best to remain neutral and impartial, but even Photoshopping a Russian hat onto Jeremy Corbyn didn’t quell our bloodlust. Meanwhile Channel 4 news replaced Boris Johnson with an ice sculpture during a televised debate, so if anything you’re lucky we haven’t nuked the broadcaster from orbit by now.

They bollocksed up Bake Off

It pains me to say it but The Great British Bake Off was better on the BBC. Back then it had Mel and Sue and Mary Berry and that guy who threw his baked Alaska into the bin. On Channel 4 it’s all woke and diverse which scares me. It’s only saving grace is that it still has Paul Hollywood. He’s an absolute stud like the men in my raunchy yet highly literary books.

It’s what Thatcher would’ve wanted

Yes, Channel 4 was set up under Thatcher’s government in 1982 as part of an effort to disrupt the media landscape. But if there’s one thing Maggie liked even more it was privatisation. By that logic, taking ownership of the broadcaster away from the people is the most Thatcherite move possible. Even though she openly objected to this idea while alive.

We’ve ruined everything else

Energy prices? We f**ked them. NHS? Crushed it. Public faith in government? We shat on it years ago. And with Brexit taking care of everything else there’s really not much left for us to destroy, hence why we’ve been forced to attack the last flickering glimmer of what made you proud to be British.

I’m thick as f**k

I’m fundamentally not very clever. Up until a few months ago I thought Channel 4 was publicly funded but apparently that’s not the case. And even though I have no idea how media works, I’m positive that privatisation will allow Channel 4 to compete with Netflix and Amazon. Which I understand are sort of like Ceefax.