Man is tier 3 in week but tier 1 on weekends

A MAN has explained that during the week he lives a locked-down tier 3 lifestyle but at the weekends he treats himself to living like a tier 1. 

Nathan Muir of Sheffield believes his personal compromise with the government’s pandemic prevention system offers everyone involved the best of both worlds.

He said: “Monday to Friday, I’m fully tier 3. I’ve no argument with the government’s lockdown and I observe it to the letter. I literally do f**k all.

“Friday night through Sunday night, as a reward for being so strictly observant through the week, I’m back in tier 1. Mixing with other households in the pub, the curry house, the pub again, then back to Rob’s for some cans and a modest party.

“We’re tier 2 here, you see, so by charting a course exactly between tier 1 and tier 3 I’m perfectly in line with the rules and following the science.”

He added: “They should move onto something like this nationally. Bet Chris Whitty will be embarrassed he didn’t think of it first.”

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M&S lingerie range implies M&S shoppers have sex

SHOPPERS at M&S are affronted by a new range of lingerie that implies they are the kind of people who have sex. 

Lingerie in the new Boutique line features lace trimming, sexy cut-outs and satin fabrics associated with the kind of sweaty physical lovemaking that M&S shoppers find abhorrent.

Eleanor Shaw said: “I should not be confronted with this filth. I am the holder of a Sparks card.

“Nowhere else in the store would sex dare to rear its filthy head. The men’s jeans are cut in a way that implies having a cock is childish. The ladies’ boots are so eminently sensible even Boris Johnson couldn’t get aroused.

“Normally it’s the same for the underwear, every item a slap with a damp rag in the face of passion.

“But these items are straight out of a bordello. Why? Do I give the impression, as I purchase a sensible anorak, that I f**k?

“You are mistaken, M&S. You slur my character. I would switch to John Lewis but there isn’t one round here.”