Man reveals five-year plan to lose five pounds

A 35-YEAR-OLD man has unveiled an ambitious plan to lose five pounds by his 40th birthday.

Stephen Malley, who currently weighs 16 stone eight pounds, intends to change his diet and start exercising at some point to get down to 16 stone three pounds by 2025.

Malley said: “When people go on diets they say they’re going to lose four stone in six months, but most of the time they just put it back on again.

“My plan is far superior. When I lose those five pounds, they’ll stay off for good. You’ll see a slimmer, healthier, happier me in just half a decade’s time.”

Malley has already taken a ‘before’ picture which he believes will contrast starkly with the image of himself after his impressive weight-loss plan.

He continued: “The clever thing is that it gives me plenty of time. For the next few months – years, even – I can eat and drink whatever I like and sit around watching TV. When I choose to lose those five pounds is in my hands.

“And this is just the beginning. Afterwards I intend to lose five more pounds per decade. By my 80th birthday, I’ll be in the best shape of my life.”

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Which tedious twats can you avoid now you're 'social distancing'?

YOU’VE been wanting to drop some tedious friends and family members for a while and coronavirus is the perfect excuse. Here are the people to get rid of with ‘social distancing’.

Your joyless uni friend

She won’t let her kids eat sugar. She moans about tuition fees for her child who is still only two. Binning her means you no longer have to sit at her ‘reclaimed wood’ table feigning interest in her unpleasant home-made linseed and carob bars.

That dull-as-shit colleague from three jobs ago with no friends outside work

Whenever you cave and have a pint with him, you’re forced to endure hours of chat about his built-in storage and how many sports his kids excel at. If they have to self-isolate with their charisma-vacuum of a father, they’ll surely excel at pole-vaulting over the garden wall.

Your mum

Your mum used to enjoy ‘just popping over’ annoyingly for pointless chats. However much you love her really, spontaneous visits from your own personal ‘time vampire’ are a thing of the past.

Personal trainer

They’ve been sending you running emojis for months, in an optimistic attempt to get you back in training. In the meantime, you’ve put on three stone. But now you can say you’ve been stockpiling fat for self-isolation with no guilt whatsoever.  

That oddball you matched with on Tinder years ago

His unsolicited dick pics are kind of funny, and you’re collecting them like some sort of wildlife photo competition. Alternatively it might be a female Tinder user who’s keeping in touch because all her dates are unmitigated disasters. Social distancing means you need never bother with either again.