What are the next hot items to hoard in your garage?

TOILET roll is so last week. Pasta is basically over. Here are the hot items all the food hoarders are buying multiples of right now.

Tabasco Pepper sauce

Once your basic supplies have run out, you’ll be trapping vermin and stray pets to eat as a nourishing family meal, and they’ll be made a lot more palatable with a dash of hot sauce. Take your squirrel Southern-style.

Alcopops

After a week in quarantine you’ll be drinking at noon just like all homeworkers always have but they don’t tell you. What about the kids? A sweet, tasty Hooch or WKD and they’ll be tucked up by 5pm so you can binge-watch Bollywood movies on Netflix because you’ve seen everything else.

A4 printer paper

You’ll only be communicating with the outside world by holding up handwritten signs within a fortnight, so make sure you’ve got the wherewithal. A stock of multicoloured Sharpies will make ‘HELP’, ‘NEED FOOD URGENTLY’ and ‘SITUATION CRITICAL, REUSING TOILET PAPER’ more appealing to passers-by.

Tins of all-day breakfast

The survivors controlling the black-market economy will be rough, bearded men comfortable with handling chainsaws. If you want to barter with them for supplies you’ll need tins of their staple diet. In an emergency, you could always eat it yourself.

Fags

What, you’ve given up? Think you’re going to live forever? Maybe think again.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Are you an unbearable control freak?

YOU’VE heard people mutter that you’re a ‘control freak fun vacuum’ but you think you just want things to be nice. So which is it?

You’re planning a weekend away with friends. Do you:

A) Relax and go with the flow!

B) Have one spreadsheet for the food shopping, one for proposed activities and one for how many times each couple has loaded the dishwasher. Relaxation doesn’t organise itself.

You’ve made cupcakes for your colleagues but one of them is slightly misshapen. Do you:

A) Take them in anyway – your workmates will love the effort you’ve gone to.

B) Have a complete meltdown, then attempt to salvage them into a trifle, but have a shit-fit when that’s not perfect either. Why God, WHY?

You’re going on a first date: who organises it?

A) Leave them to it! If it’s meant to be, they’ll pick something you like.

B) Send them a message listing your top three options for where to eat, drink, or have a spontaneous snog. Your detail-focussed approach is just helping them to be flexible.

You’ve asked a mate to pick up a Cos lettuce on the way to yours for lunch. They arrive with the iceberg variety. What’s your reaction?

A) You’re grateful they were able to help, and you have a lovely Caesar salad.

B) Are you f**king kidding me? Everyone knows a Caesar requires Cos lettuce. You struggle through the humiliation of serving a totally ruined lunch, even though your only guest is the person who bought the wrong lettuce.

ANSWERS

MOSTLY As: You’re not a control freak, but maybe should put a bit more effort in to life.

MOSTLY Bs: Take the stick out of your arse for just a few minutes, and increase the time each day until you become vaguely fun. No, you can’t record your results on a spreadsheet.

Next story ›