Saturday, 4th April 2020

What are the next hot items to hoard in your garage?

TOILET roll is so last week. Pasta is basically over. Here are the hot items all the food hoarders are buying multiples of right now.

Tabasco Pepper sauce

Once your basic supplies have run out, you’ll be trapping vermin and stray pets to eat as a nourishing family meal, and they’ll be made a lot more palatable with a dash of hot sauce. Take your squirrel Southern-style.

Alcopops

After a week in quarantine you’ll be drinking at noon just like all homeworkers always have but they don’t tell you. What about the kids? A sweet, tasty Hooch or WKD and they’ll be tucked up by 5pm so you can binge-watch Bollywood movies on Netflix because you’ve seen everything else.

A4 printer paper

You’ll only be communicating with the outside world by holding up handwritten signs within a fortnight, so make sure you’ve got the wherewithal. A stock of multicoloured Sharpies will make ‘HELP’, ‘NEED FOOD URGENTLY’ and ‘SITUATION CRITICAL, REUSING TOILET PAPER’ more appealing to passers-by.

Tins of all-day breakfast

The survivors controlling the black-market economy will be rough, bearded men comfortable with handling chainsaws. If you want to barter with them for supplies you’ll need tins of their staple diet. In an emergency, you could always eat it yourself.

Fags

What, you’ve given up? Think you’re going to live forever? Maybe think again.