Woman who 'journals' daily still full of self-indulgent shit

A WOMAN who spends 30 minutes a day writing her thoughts into a journal is still full of self-indulgent crap for all the remaining hours. 

Donna Sheridan’s journaling involves writing a daily stream of consciousness of whatever words pop into her head, although 80 per cent of them tend to be ‘me’, ‘I’ and ‘my’.

Sheridan said: “I find my journaling so spiritually cleansing. After I’ve unclogged my own thoughts I’m free to give generously to other people, mainly by telling them about my journaling.

“What I write in my journal is private, but I’ll tell you every detail if you express even the vaguest interest. Which you probably will after I repeatedly mention the word ‘journal’, like it’s a person I fancy and am being a bit weird about.”

Sheridan’s partner Tom Logan is currently considering taking up journaling, so he can have 30 minutes respite from listening to her drone on about it.

Logan said: “Instead of actually journaling, I’ll use the half an hour to do something more useful, like watch half an episode of Takeshi’s Castle, have a very luxurious poo, or two wanks.”

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Calling it a 'taproom' makes getting pissed seem educational

A TOTAL pisshead is delighted that a ‘taproom’ has opened locally because it makes getting hammered sound like a legitimate educational activity.

Julian Cook says he and his mates consider the taproom to be a ‘library of beer’, where their goal is to enlarge their cultural horizons rather than just talk shit.

Cook commented: “In a taproom, it’s your duty to try all 10 beers on offer, not because you want to numb your feelings with booze, but because it’s a rich learning experience.

“You’re allowed to down as much as you like, so long as you drink it in a collection of half-pint glasses, and occasionally mumble a word like ‘hoppy’. My mind has been expanded so much I should be awarded at least one extra GCSE.”

Cook has started describing his weekly visits to the taproom as an ‘evening class’, which has not gone down well with his partner.

He said: “Patricia says she never gets a three-day hangover from her knitting group. But I just blind her with a term like ‘oxidisation’ or ‘clove-like’, and she can’t complain because I’m bettering myself through learning.”