Man self-diagnoses as expert epidemiologist

A BORED man has officially read enough about coronavirus to name himself a top epidemiologist, he has confirmed. 

Tom Booker now believes himself to be a worldwide authority on the COVID-19 pandemic because he has had little else to do this past month except look at a lot of graphs.

He said: “If you can self-isolate on the basis of a cough, and your judgement is basically considered the same as a doctor’s, then why can’t I self-diagnose as a top virus expert?

“I’ve definitely clocked up 10,000 hours of study of computer animations of how it spreads, most of them on the toilet. If the NHS needs me to take command of the anti-pandemic strategy in Powys and mid-Wales, I’m ready.

“And I’m telling you, the government strategy is all over the place – I sometimes wonder if Chris Whitty has read any Wikipedia at all.

“Why aren’t we looking into the effects of the BCG vaccine, or hydroxycloroquine, or the powerful boost given the immune system by Yakult? Thank God I’ve got social media to get my voice out there.”

Following a Facebook post attacking the government’s response later today, Booker will tomorrow appear on Channel 5’s Jeremy Vine, talking a load of bollocks from his kitchen.

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New app notifies you that you have no new notifications every 30 seconds

A TECH start-up has launched a new app that notifies you every 30 seconds that you do not receive notifications, saving you checking for yourself. 

Nottiffyr checks your social media for any notifications from Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, WhatsApp, texts, emails and even calls, and updates you twice a minute to confirm you have nothing new since last time it notified you.

Start-up head Tom Logan said: “I was checking my phone the other day, no more than 15 seconds after I’d last checked it, when I thought: wait. Why isn’t there an app for this?

“Our research concluded that it’s not really about the content of the message or what the notification might mean, people just want the endorphin rush of their phone dinging.

“So we just decided to cut out the middleman, get rid of the need to actually be texted, and created an app that makes your phone light up every 30 seconds, regardless of whether you have any messages or not.

“That way you still get the rush of checking your phone constantly without having to rely on other people to like your photos or text you back. We think it’s the perfect substitute to watching the news.”

User Francesca Johnson said: “It’s fantastic to know I’m never more than 30 seconds away from a buzz and an excuse to end conversations. Plus it carries on all night.”