Friday, 3rd July 2020

Man self-diagnoses as expert epidemiologist

A BORED man has officially read enough about coronavirus to name himself a top epidemiologist, he has confirmed. 

Tom Booker now believes himself to be a worldwide authority on the COVID-19 pandemic because he has had little else to do this past month except look at a lot of graphs.

He said: “If you can self-isolate on the basis of a cough, and your judgement is basically considered the same as a doctor’s, then why can’t I self-diagnose as a top virus expert?

“I’ve definitely clocked up 10,000 hours of study of computer animations of how it spreads, most of them on the toilet. If the NHS needs me to take command of the anti-pandemic strategy in Powys and mid-Wales, I’m ready.

“And I’m telling you, the government strategy is all over the place – I sometimes wonder if Chris Whitty has read any Wikipedia at all.

“Why aren’t we looking into the effects of the BCG vaccine, or hydroxycloroquine, or the powerful boost given the immune system by Yakult? Thank God I’ve got social media to get my voice out there.”

Following a Facebook post attacking the government’s response later today, Booker will tomorrow appear on Channel 5’s Jeremy Vine, talking a load of bollocks from his kitchen.