Monday, 3rd August 2020

The ignorant twat's guide to social distancing

CONSIDER the government’s social distancing advice to be for other people? Here’s how to be an ignorant twat about it:

Queue right behind people

Stand so close to the person in front of you that they can feel your potentially diseased breath on the back of their neck. As security order you to back up, claim you were just trying to get your shopping done quicker and anyway herd immunity.

Have a BBQ

Insist on enjoying these balmy April evenings by inviting friends and family round for a paper plateful of charred meat. Should the police come knocking, explain you were only having a barbecue and it’s a free f**king country. They’ll understand, and let you carry on.

Chat across the street

Stopp for an inane chinwag with someone on the other side of the street, making it impossible to pass between you safely. When someone’s forced to risk it, lose your shit at them immediately for risking you and your mate’s lives.

Never step off the pavement

Walking on the pavement is now a thrilling game of chicken when someone else is heading towards you. Who will crack first? Ensure a win by loudly coughing when your opponent, a 70 year-old granny, gets within earshot.

None of it counts if you’re in your car

Pulling over for a brief chat with an acquaintance? They can come right to the window of your car and lean down and talk directly into your face because you’re in your car. Which is safe, because car. Also they’ll need to speak up because you’re leaving the engine running the whole time.