The ignorant twat's guide to social distancing

CONSIDER the government’s social distancing advice to be for other people? Here’s how to be an ignorant twat about it:

Queue right behind people

Stand so close to the person in front of you that they can feel your potentially diseased breath on the back of their neck. As security order you to back up, claim you were just trying to get your shopping done quicker and anyway herd immunity.

Have a BBQ

Insist on enjoying these balmy April evenings by inviting friends and family round for a paper plateful of charred meat. Should the police come knocking, explain you were only having a barbecue and it’s a free f**king country. They’ll understand, and let you carry on.

Chat across the street

Stopp for an inane chinwag with someone on the other side of the street, making it impossible to pass between you safely. When someone’s forced to risk it, lose your shit at them immediately for risking you and your mate’s lives.

Never step off the pavement

Walking on the pavement is now a thrilling game of chicken when someone else is heading towards you. Who will crack first? Ensure a win by loudly coughing when your opponent, a 70 year-old granny, gets within earshot.

None of it counts if you’re in your car

Pulling over for a brief chat with an acquaintance? They can come right to the window of your car and lean down and talk directly into your face because you’re in your car. Which is safe, because car. Also they’ll need to speak up because you’re leaving the engine running the whole time.

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Government announces four more weeks of lockdown for Britain and 44 more weeks of lockdown for Priti Patel

THE government has signalled that Britain could face another four weeks of lockdown, and Priti Patel could face a further 40 after that. 

Following the home secretary’s appearance at a press conference last week in which she told Britain she was deeply sorry that it was so wrong and stupid, Patel is facing full lockdown until 2021 at the very least.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Regretfully we are not in a position to relax lockdown rules for Britain yet, but be assured you will be back out long, long before Priti Patel.

“We’re not afraid to admit when we’ve made mistakes, and letting her out of her box last week was a very serious one. The handlers managed to get her away from the mic less than a second before she said ‘you all deserve it and worse’.

“So while unfortunately Britain must hold the line, remain indoors and help us flatten that curve, I hope it offers some comfort that the home secretary will not taste the freedom of a press conference for months more. Years even.”

When asked if Patel would resign as a minister, the spokesman said: “Resign? No way. She’s a brown woman who hates immigrants. Long-term she’s going to come in very, very useful.”