Saturday, 11th July 2020

Calling wanking 'exercise', and the other lockdown habits you'll never lose

AS normal life begins to recede into the rear-view mirror, here are five new habits of lockdown well worth sticking with: 

Referring to strumming yourself off in front of Joe Wicks as exercise

It’s physical activity, the man’s on the screen, it leaves you flushed and breathless afterwards, it’s exercise. Don’t let anyone pretend otherwise. In 100 years, ‘PE wiv Joe’ will be the universal term for masturbation.

Dressing like nobody can see you

Now you’re used to embracing weird wardrobe habits behind closed doors, why ever let go? Unleash those tangerine dungarees on the world, dress without reference to any mirror, or chuck all your clothes in the bin and wear pyjamas for life.

Phoning it in with family

Being stuck with your family 24-7 means you don’t have to make any kind of an effort with them, according to WHO official lockdown recommendations. Why slip back when this is all over? Your partner can live without eye contact and the PS4’s a better parent than you ever were.

Being afraid of the supermarket

Don’t weekly shops just rush by now you’re in fear for your life throughout? Recreate the thrills after lockdown by imagining each of your fellow shoppers is a wheezing pangolin.

Wearing a mask

What’s not to love about this fabulous new trend in facial accessories? It means you don’t have to talk to people, wear make-up below the nose, or smile half-heartedly at people you’d rather not acknowledge.

Not going to work

Now you’ve got used to scrolling Instagram on the sofa all day and sending the odd email to give the illusion of productivity, why in God’s name would you ever go back to commuting ten hours a week to share a desk with Sweaty Alan? Work is over.