Calling wanking 'exercise', and the other lockdown habits you'll never lose

AS normal life begins to recede into the rear-view mirror, here are five new habits of lockdown well worth sticking with: 

Referring to strumming yourself off in front of Joe Wicks as exercise

It’s physical activity, the man’s on the screen, it leaves you flushed and breathless afterwards, it’s exercise. Don’t let anyone pretend otherwise. In 100 years, ‘PE wiv Joe’ will be the universal term for masturbation.

Dressing like nobody can see you

Now you’re used to embracing weird wardrobe habits behind closed doors, why ever let go? Unleash those tangerine dungarees on the world, dress without reference to any mirror, or chuck all your clothes in the bin and wear pyjamas for life.

Phoning it in with family

Being stuck with your family 24-7 means you don’t have to make any kind of an effort with them, according to WHO official lockdown recommendations. Why slip back when this is all over? Your partner can live without eye contact and the PS4’s a better parent than you ever were.

Being afraid of the supermarket

Don’t weekly shops just rush by now you’re in fear for your life throughout? Recreate the thrills after lockdown by imagining each of your fellow shoppers is a wheezing pangolin.

Wearing a mask

What’s not to love about this fabulous new trend in facial accessories? It means you don’t have to talk to people, wear make-up below the nose, or smile half-heartedly at people you’d rather not acknowledge.

Not going to work

Now you’ve got used to scrolling Instagram on the sofa all day and sending the odd email to give the illusion of productivity, why in God’s name would you ever go back to commuting ten hours a week to share a desk with Sweaty Alan? Work is over.

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Global pandemic just the push man needed to mow the lawn

A GLOBAL pandemic locking down a third of the world’s population has finally motivated a British man to mow the lawn. 

After only three weeks’ forced confinement in his home, Wayne Hayes has not only mown the grass but trimmed the hedges and thrown the clippings over the back fence.

He said: “Say what you like about this coronavirus, but it’s given me the kick up the bum I needed to achieve a few things around the house.

“I’ve jetwashed the decking, weeded the patio, and if we’re getting another four weeks of lockdown then I honestly think I’ll finally clear out the shed.

“I don’t think I have ever felt so motivated for home improvement in my life, and I owe it all to this terrible situation. The garden’s never looked better.”

Neighbour Eleanor Shaw said: “I can’t believe how unfeeling some people are, treating this like one big bank holiday.

“I’m so traumatised there’s no way I can do anything about the disused washing machine in my front garden and it’s insensitive to ask.”