Man unaware he was an alcoholic until doing a questionnaire

A MAN has found out in the nick of time that he is chronically addicted to alcohol after doing a questionnaire on a website.

Supermarket worker Norman Steele came across a Mail Online quiz while sitting in his bedsit enjoying his daily tipple of cheap vodka and extra-strength cider.

He said: “One question was, ‘Do you need a drink in the morning just to get through the day?’ I’d previously assumed everyone has a couple of quadruple vodkas at 8am.

“Then it asked if you’d ever injured yourself as a result of drinking. I’m in A&E at least once a fortnight so I started to worry that might not be normal.

“The clincher was when it asked if your life had suffered due to booze. I lost my job as an airline pilot, my wife left me and I’m banned from driving, but I thought that was all just bad luck.

“I’ve realised I need help and I’ve got the questionnaire to thank for that. Otherwise I’d still be drinking three bottles of Tesco vodka a day thinking I was within the recommended limits.

“Anyone who’s concerned about their drinking should do a quiz on the internet. It’s the only way to find out if you’re enjoying alcohol responsibly or about to turn yellow and die.”

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Old jar of lime pickle desperately needs to go in bin

THE ancient jar of lime pickle in your fridge door must be thrown away immediately, experts have confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies said the pickle has long since ‘gone a bit weird’ and is not edible even if you give it a stir.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “That pickle is older than your dog. Ask yourself, how many times a year do I actually consume lime pickle?

“You threw out the ambitiously-purchased harissa pasta, so why cling to the pickle dream?

“The bin is only a few feet away. Do it.”

Professor Brubaker added that there may even be another opened jar of lime pickle kicking around in the back of the fridge, bearing the label of a corner shop chain that went bust in 2011.

Householder Stephen Malley said: “I’ve got a jar of lime pickle that I call ‘Old Greenie’. We’ve been through two divorces together.

“These scientists don’t think of the emotional bond you can have with out-of-date condiments.”