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Man will never be too sad to have a wank

AN incredibly brave man will never be too upset to spare ten minutes for a quick hand shandy, it has emerged.

Plucky Tom Booker can be in a pit of despair or receive the most tragic news but still be able to summon the perverted strength necessary to rub one out shortly afterwards.

Booker said: “I could be dumped or a family member could be in a serious accident, and yet I’ll manage to find it in me to choke the chicken. It’s kind of my superhero ability. 

“The other day I was laid off, found out my ex is getting married, and got stung by a massive energy bill. Did that stop me from having one off the wrist? Did it f**k. I was firing up Pornhub and undoing my trousers the second I got home.

“I even managed to solemnly knock a couple out the day the Queen died. The country might have come to a standstill, but my libido didn’t. It’s what she would have wanted anyway, the randy old bird.”

Booker denied he was creating unhealthy mental associations between sadness and sexual pleasure, although has just ordered the deluxe DVD edition of Watership Down.

He said: “I’m absolutely certain jerking off in my saddest moments isn’t a sign of unresolved trauma or an inability to face the many problems of adult life.

“I think I just like wanking.”

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'I'll put it on my list,' and other ways to ignore people's shitty film recommendations

A FRIEND has insisted for the 16th time that you simply must watch Donnie Darko or some other ‘classic’. Here are ways to excuse yourself for another few years.

‘I’ll put it on my list’

You don’t actually have a list. Your ‘list’ is a vague recollection of some pretentious wanker telling you to watch a black-and-white Russian film where some people talk in a shed, and your horrible friend Dave’s recommendation of The Wolf of Wall Street ‘because you can see Margot Robbie’s minge’. ‘Putting it on your list’ kicks the can down the road for a few weeks, at which point you can say…

‘I don’t have streaming’

It’s plausible that you don’t have Disney+, or Apple TV. If it’s Netflix, you’re in riskier territory, especially if you’ve just been telling them how much you love Stranger Things. Deter film recommendations, and friendships, and sexual partners, by just telling everyone you only watch your Dad’s Army box sets.

‘That director/actor/writer/costume designer is problematic for me’

Not only do you get to ignore their shitty recommendation, you get to be smug about taking the moral high ground, no matter how minor the infraction. Tarantino’s foot obsession is exploitative, DiCaprio’s age gaps are indefensible, boring Polanski retrospectives are definitely out. If stuck for something, claim the script supervisor is a racist. 

‘I don’t like scary movies’

This works like a charm for everything from full-blown horror like The Exorcist to something mildly unsettling, like Beetlejuice. Claiming to be freaked out by ‘uncanny valley’ CGI is also quite trendy and gets you out of things like The Polar Express. Just be sure to delete that Facebook post with your unhealthily enthusiastic ‘top ten’ of the best maimings, amputations and gougings in the Hostel films.

‘I want to see it on a better screen’

A friend recommends Avatar 2. But it’s a three-hour slog, and when it comes to blue people The Smurfs 2 had a deeper message. Say the phenomenal SFX would be wasted on your tiny telly. Then never invite your friend over again, lest they see the 75-inch 4K Ultra HD Smart TV you just bought from Currys. Of course you could be a true cinephile and see it in an IMAX, but it’s a long drive and frankly if it was a choice between Smurfette and that Na’vi woman, it’d be Smurfette every time.

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