Many surgeons awake during surgery

SOME surgeons have been found to be fully conscious and responding to stimuli while performing operations.

A new study found that one in every 300 invasive procedures was performed by a surgeon completely aware of everything that was happening, though often too shocked to speak.

Dr Helen Archer said: “Before the mask and gown go on every surgeon has some morphine to steady their hands and laughing gas so they can see the funny side.

“It’s pretty nasty in there with all that blood and those organs and that. You need to be either asleep or fucked up on something.”

Heart surgeon Dr Norman Steele said: “It was horrifying. I could actually watch my hands making the cuts and saw every instrument that I left inside the patient.

“Thankfully I didn’t feel any pain.”


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Americans warn Scotland about ‘hope-change bullshit’

ORDINARY Americans have warned Scotland the momentous change it is being sold is total bullshit.

But Alex Salmond is so obviously different from all the others

With Scotland’s vote for hope and change too close to call, Americans who can remember 2008 laughed, but in a really sad and painful way.

Bill McKay, from Greensburg, Pennsylvania, said: “I voted for Obama, even though I was pretty sure he was Kenyan.

“But all the other presidents we’ve had were American and the vast majority were shit. So I thought ‘let’s see how it goes with a Kenyan fella’.

“He was smart, confident and gave good speeches about hope. But then it turned out that speeches aren’t actually the same as life.”

McKay added: “That said, I have just bought myself a new car. It’s a 1992 Buick Fandango and it’s awful.”

Bethany Gordon, from Greensburg, Maryland, said: “Looking back, I’m kind of embarrassed. It’s like I was part of a cult.

“So now, whenever I meet someone who thinks politics is the answer, I remind them to shut their idiot face or I’ll set my dog on them.”