Marathon runners unable to distinguish between real and metaphorical walls

LONDON Marathon participants have been warned that the wall they went through was just a figure of speech.

Hospitals are reporting an influx of marathon veterans with injuries from deliberately running into the sides of buildings.

Retail assistant Tom Booker said: “Yesterday during the marathon I conquered ‘the wall’ by pushing on after my legs turned to jelly.

“So it seemed logical that I am now the master of walls, and when leaving work this morning I decided to leap through the side of the room instead of using the door.

“Now I have a badly broken collarbone and the frankly quite arsey nurses have given me a book about simple physics. And to think, yesterday I was a hero.”

Doctor Stephen Malley said: “Figurative language can be confusing, especially among running obsessives who tend to have limited imaginations.

“My advice is don’t be a fucking idiot.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox

Masochistic Watford fans eagerly anticipate season of intense thrashings

WATFORD supporters cannot wait to be treated like dirt by the giants of the Premier League.

After securing a place in the top-flight, Hornets fans began to fantasise about watching their team get thrashed by a much better club in front of a baying crowd.

Supporter Roy Hobbs said: “I dream of playing a side who dominate possession entirely and can break down our defence at will.

“I can’t stop thinking about a powerful Arsenal side pinning us back in our own half unable to get a touch of the ball.”

Season ticket holder Julian Cook said: “I have this daydream where we’re getting beaten 4-0 by Chelsea at half-time and they haven’t even brought on Eden Hazard – he’s just sitting there ready to be unleashed.

“And who doesn’t fantasise about seeing his team relegated by Christmas after conceding a late, scrappy equaliser at St James’ Park?

“That would be so hot.”