Marathon runners unable to distinguish between real and metaphorical walls

LONDON Marathon participants have been warned that the wall they went through was just a figure of speech.

Hospitals are reporting an influx of marathon veterans with injuries from deliberately running into the sides of buildings.

Retail assistant Tom Booker said: “Yesterday during the marathon I conquered ‘the wall’ by pushing on after my legs turned to jelly.

“So it seemed logical that I am now the master of walls, and when leaving work this morning I decided to leap through the side of the room instead of using the door.

“Now I have a badly broken collarbone and the frankly quite arsey nurses have given me a book about simple physics. And to think, yesterday I was a hero.”

Doctor Stephen Malley said: “Figurative language can be confusing, especially among running obsessives who tend to have limited imaginations.

“My advice is don’t be a fucking idiot.”

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Masochistic Watford fans eagerly anticipate season of intense thrashings

WATFORD supporters cannot wait to be treated like dirt by the giants of the Premier League.

After securing a place in the top-flight, Hornets fans began to fantasise about watching their team get thrashed by a much better club in front of a baying crowd.

Supporter Roy Hobbs said: “I dream of playing a side who dominate possession entirely and can break down our defence at will.

“I can’t stop thinking about a powerful Arsenal side pinning us back in our own half unable to get a touch of the ball.”

Season ticket holder Julian Cook said: “I have this daydream where we’re getting beaten 4-0 by Chelsea at half-time and they haven’t even brought on Eden Hazard – he’s just sitting there ready to be unleashed.

“And who doesn’t fantasise about seeing his team relegated by Christmas after conceding a late, scrappy equaliser at St James’ Park?

“That would be so hot.”