Maybe fill-in the 'black death pit', says everyone

IT might be an idea to fill-in a big hole full of plague victims as quickly as possible, it has been suggested.

Railway engineers working on the London Crossrail project discovered the bodies and then went to the pub without even washing their hands.

Transport for London confirmed that at no point did they immediately fill the hole with concrete and bleach as if their lives depended on it.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Twenty-first Century apathy has reached the point where we are now blasé about the plague.

“While commuting in London can often seem much worse than the black death, that’s really just a way of expressing how much you hate it.

“It’s not actually the plague, or indeed a big hole that might have loads of plague in it.”

He added: “I’m not scaremongering, it’s the black death. They didn’t call it that to make it more fashionable.”

A Transport for London spokesman said: “The only way Crossrail is going to work is if half the people in this city are wiped out by a virus.

“The pit stays open.”

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Overweight cat story depresses John Humphrys even further

JOHN Humphrys has threatened to walk out of the Today programme after being forced to a report on a cat that weighs 67 kilograms.

BBC sources said Humphrys retreated to a toilet cubicle where he could be heard muttering: “I have created this. I am part of the problem.”

Radio Four colleague, Jenni Murray said: “I stroked his head and offered to show him a YouTube video of my puppy watching the laundry, but he shook me off and said something that sounded like German swearing.”

The heavy cat said: “I’m just as upset as John that the Today programme focused on my weight. I’ve written a book about being an acquitted war criminal, but no-one ever mentions that.”