Independent Scottish army 'would be nothing like Braveheart'

IF an independent Scottish army is not going to be like Braveheart then there is no point in doing it, everyone has agreed.

Military analysts said anything other than thousands of kilted, blue psychopaths running about the countryside would be very disappointing.

Bill McKay, professor of swords at Roehampton University, said: “It’ll be like a tiny version of the British Army but with second-hand tanks and an unacceptable level of bagpiping.

“If this thing is going to work it needs to be angry, semi-naked and screaming constantly.”

A Scottish government spokesman said: “We sounded-out some potential recruits in horribly working class areas.

“They all asked when they’d get their tribal cleavers and when they would be meeting their commanding officer, Mel Gibson.”

The spokesman added: “When we told them he wasn’t really William Wallace they said that was fine but they wanted to meet him anyway because he sounds ‘like a total fucking bampot’.”

Would-be soldier, Tom Logan, said: “I always imagined it would be done in a wild, mob justice style.

“I want to see red headed men beating their bare chests, screaming and tumbling in the mud, flecks of blood and spit in their ginger beards.”

He added: “If the nationalists can’t make this happen, I might as well start my own militia. My mother is extremely keen.”

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Pope warns against compassion

POPE Francis has urged Catholics not to waste their valuable time on caring.

In his first Pope speech, he said the church needs to start dazzling people with really good prayers and even bigger incense burners if it is to move on from just being ‘a big sex club’.

Francis said: “Without praying to Jesus, we’re basically just Liberace impersonators who eat fish on a Friday and tell people where to put their orgasms.

“So let’s really think about these prayers that we’ve been doing. Should they include more celebrity gossip? Are they loud enough? Should we shout them in an angry voice?”

He added: “The New Testament actually has very little to say about compassion. At least mine doesn’t. Then again, I did steal my Bible from a hotel, so maybe it isn’t a very good one. I really wouldn’t know.”

Francis wants the church to take on ‘new and exciting challenges’ including a relaunched Inquisition, insisting it would make the Church ‘unbelievably relevant to a wide-range of people’.

The Pope also warned that without more chanting Catholicism ‘could end up as an NGO, like those scumbag hippies at Amnesty and Oxfam’.