A MAN in his early 50s has thrown his back out during an otherwise routine session of self-abuse, he has confirmed.
Homeworker Joshua Hudson of Winchester was cracking one out during his lunch break, in order to provide himself with motivation for the afternoon, when he switched hands and felt an unpleasant click.
He then found himself unable to rise from his reclining position and had to roll onto the floor and crawl into the bathroom for a clean-up he described as ‘degrading’.
He said: “Christ, I’ve already given up vaping, drinking on weeknights, all prospect of sex and fry-ups. I can’t have this become a risky activity as well.
“In the moment I over-exerted myself, I understand that, but is this going to happen regularly? Do the elderly in sheltered housing have to bash the bishop by the pullcord for the warden?
“I’ll be struggling to walk for the next three weeks at least, I’ll need six cushions to get through a film, and sleeping will be hell. Still, I finished. I feel that shows strength of character.”
Wife Sara said: “Useless bastard’s put his back out again. How I don’t know. He does nothing but lie around and occasionally wank.”
