Middle-class drinkers slur something about 'being able to handle it'

WEALTHY over-50s have slurred that they can look after themselves when it comes to alcohol.

Evidence that middle-class, middle-aged people were among the hardest drinkers in the country was dismissed as “a load of bollocks” by boozers out watering their gardens at 4am.

Joseph Turner, from Alderley Edge, said: “This is a single malt. A single fucking malt, mate. I’m not drinking to get drunk. Get drunk? I don’t get drunk. It’s the peaty notes, the leathery odour and the smooth bastard finish. ‘Leathery’ is a good word, isn’t it?


Headmistress Margaret Gerving, from Guildford, agreed: “As a wine connoisseur I have to drink two bottles a night simply to keep ahead of what’s new in the world of wine.

“But it doesn’t affect me. I can still work out who’s done it on Rosemary & Thyme before those dozy slags.”

Son Andrew Gerving said: “My mother is essentially a homeless derelict, but with a massive house and a wardrobe full of Laura Ashley.”

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Obama ‘frustrated by gun-loving shitheads’

PRESIDENT Obama has admitted to being ‘stymied by a bunch of gap-toothed, gun-loving shit-for-brains’.

In a BBC interview, Obama said America does not have ‘common sense’ gun laws because most of the people who live there are ‘unbelievably stupid’.

Asked if he was frustrated by America’s powerful gun lobby, he replied: “That’s one way of putting it. Another way would be that I hate every last one of those motherfuckers.

“Have you any idea what it’s like having to listen to these shitheads? Their big, sweaty faces and their beady little eyes. And I bet you they all fucking stink.

“And of course they all want to kill me because I’m an ‘uppity negro’. Sometimes I wish I was the terrifying black guy in Mississippi Burning who threatens to cut the fat racist’s balls off.”

Reflecting on his time in office, he added: “Having to govern this collection of fat, stupid monsters has brought me nothing but misery. I can’t wait for it to be over.”

Obama said that when his term ends he will move to Provence and write erotic short stories.