Middle-class drinkers slur something about ‘being able to handle it’

WEALTHY over-50s have slurred that they can look after themselves when it comes to alcohol.

Evidence that middle-class, middle-aged people were among the hardest drinkers in the country was dismissed as “a load of bollocks” by boozers out watering their gardens at 4am.

Joseph Turner, from Alderley Edge, said: “This is a single malt. A single fucking malt, mate. I’m not drinking to get drunk. Get drunk? I don’t get drunk. It’s the peaty notes, the leathery odour and the smooth bastard finish. ‘Leathery’ is a good word, isn’t it?

“Leathery.”

Headmistress Margaret Gerving, from Guildford, agreed: “As a wine connoisseur I have to drink two bottles a night simply to keep ahead of what’s new in the world of wine.

“But it doesn’t affect me. I can still work out who’s done it on Rosemary & Thyme before those dozy slags.”

Son Andrew Gerving said: “My mother is essentially a homeless derelict, but with a massive house and a wardrobe full of Laura Ashley.”