Millions of Britons 'complacent about their drinking ability'

MANY Britons wrongly assume they can still drink as much as they used to, it has emerged.

Researchers found that millions are not sufficiently ‘match ready’ to handle more than three or four pints without feeling weird, even if they used to drink twice that on a Tuesday night.

Accountant Roy Hobbs said: “I had become complacent about my drinking ability, because as a younger man I would enjoy some serious sauce sessions with the pints consumption going well into double figures.

“But I tried emulating that behaviour on a recent work trip to Kiev and spent the next day kneeling naked in my hotel room, clutching the bed and praying to whatever god might listen for forgiveness.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Drinking isn’t something you can just dip into.  You never know when a ‘quick pint’ after work could turn into a full session, yet many of us would be unable to handle it, both in terms of the bender itself and the aftermath.

“Those who don’t experience regular hangovers often make a big fuss about it when they get one, even taking a day off work just because it hurts to look at bright things.”

Roy Hobbs added: “Now I’m having training pints most days. I’m not getting caught out again.”



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Man has amazing ability to know all new music is shit without listening to it

A MAN instinctively knows that all music made since about 2002 is shit without even having to hear it, he has revealed.

35-year-old Julian Cook told friends that ‘it’s all shit’ and he ‘doesn’t need to listen to it to know it all sounds like Taylor Swift nowadays’.

Cook’s workmate Emma Bradford said: The way he just knew that Kendrick Lamar, Young Fathers and Kae Tempest were awful without even having to hear them shows that his powers are only getting stronger with the onset of him becoming more and more middle-aged.

“He’s a lot like Merlin, or Derren Brown.”

Cook added: “You could say I’m equally cursed and blessed with these mysterious abilities.

They allow me to not have to waste any time listening to anything new, but also I can’t join in any conversations about new music without coming across as a boring old bastard.

I can talk about The Libertines if they come up. I think they were shit but I could definitely handle a conversation about them.”