Millions of Britons fiddling their sugar tax

AS the sugar tax comes into force, millions of Britons are failing to declare the absolutely fucking massive amount they consume.

The government is facing an epidemic of sugar appreciators concealing their intake, whether in the form of sweets, fizzy drinks or simply eating spoonfuls straight from the bag.

Office worker Nikki Hollis said: “I may have appeared to be eating an enormous Danish pastry earlier but I was just holding it for a friend. I often do that, hold cakes for people.”

School pupil Wayne Hayes said: “I did not consume a ludicrous 14 cans of Coke today. I was only incapable of sitting still for three seconds in geography because I get so excited about oxbow lakes.

“Me and my mates go to the corner shop every lunchtime without fail but we don’t just buy loads of sweets. Today Liam had a mango and I ate a bag of raw broccoli.”

Businessman Nathan Muir said: “My accountant is doing my sugar tax return. He’s managed to calculate it so I ate no sugar in the last year and the government actually owes me 30 kilos.”

A government spokesman said: “If you know someone fiddling their sugar tax, you should report it to our hotline and an Inland Revenue official will come round and brush their teeth.”

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Elderly man dies after brief bout of amateur dramatics

AN 82-YEAR-OLD man has passed away after a brief bout of amateur dramatics, it has been confirmed.

Norman Steele, who worked most of his life as an engineer, passed away peacefully after three weeks at the Norwich Playhouse as ‘someone’s dad’ in a new play written by one of the local theatre group.

Amateur theatre director Emma Bradford said: “Norman was a great actor and a lovely man.

“I’m rather assuming those things, as he’d only been to a handful of the rehearsals and he seemed more interested in making friends than actually taking on the complexities of this challenging new piece of work.

“He’ll be sorely missed and genuinely quite hard to re-cast at this point. Which is a bit annoying, to be honest.”

Steele’s daughter Donna said: “We had no idea he was even in a local play. Had we known he was at the point, we’d have made more effort to visit him.”