Millions of unsold Creme Eggs about to hatch

MILLIONS of unsold Creme Eggs are about to break open and release the hideous monsters inside, scientists have confirmed.

Creme Eggs, the ingredients of which are sourced from a gap in reality at Cadbury’s Bournville factory, were changed to a cheaper kind of chocolate last year in order to save 0.002p per unit.

As a result, 2015’s Creme Egg crop was left unharvested and has been allowed to grow to maturity for the first time since 1964.

Scientist Joseph Turner said: “The delicate life cycle of the Creme Egg has been interfered with causing its natural predator, the British public, to leave a batch to incubate in the back rooms of shops.

“Now we face catastrophe. The hatchlings have never been described – indeed, I believe they cannot be directly looked at – but they hunger.”

Newsagent Nathan Muir said: “I heard them breaking out, the empty chocolate shells left behind. I hear them scuttling in dark corners, and whispering.

“’How do you eat yours?’ they say to each other, and laugh. ‘How do you eat yours?’”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Black widow Jerry Hall to marry convicted poisoner Rupert Murdoch

MODEL Jerry Hall, whose four previous husbands met unexplained deaths, is to become the sixth wife of convicted poisoner Rupert Murdoch. 

Hall, who was left with a $314 million fortune by her first three Texan oil billionaire husbands, was married to Mick Jagger before he was killed by falling crotch-first into a Nutribullet smoothie blender. 

Her fiance has dispatched several spouses using Horlicks laced with a flavourless substance.

The couple, who announced their engagement in a black-bordered notice in The Times, told media their marriage will be a long and happy one. 

Hall said: “I’m already encouraging his interests in visiting printing presses when nobody’s around and really leaning out over the safety railing. 

“He loves to cook for me, often questioning me for hours on the exact taste of every mouthful and my BMI. This is one marriage that won’t end in divorce.”