Junior doctors give up protest because they’re so f**king knackered

JUNIOR doctors have abandoned their strike action because they are just so f**king exhausted.

The medics had hoped to spend the day shouting anti-government slogans while standing up, but most have now wandered away from the protest and gone home to bed.

Martin Bishop, a junior doctor from Peterborough, said: “Oh Christ, I’m so knackered I can’t even remember the name of the Health Secretary. I think it rhymes with ‘hunt’.”

Propping herself up using a misspelled, home-made placard, Dr Emma Bradford, added: “What’s penicillin again?

“Do you rub it in, or is it just another name for cardio-thoracic surgery?”

She added: “It’s okay, I just need a solid six hours sleep before I work until Friday evening making massive life and death decisions in a heaving, underfunded nightmare.”

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

48-year-old audit manager comes to work with lightning bolt make-up

AN AUDIT manager has arrived at the office with a red-and-blue Ziggy Stardust lightning bolt on his face which has yet to be mentioned by anyone.  

Martin Bishop, who has already chaired a management meeting in which the make-up was not discussed, has meetings with external auditors and officials from HMRC on his schedule for today. 

Colleague Mary Fisher said: “I assume it’s a Bowie thing, but somehow it’s impossible to ask. 

“Martin’s not the most approachable person, so whenever someone tries to be sympathetic he just barks about the mess of their department’s accounts.

“How long is he planning to wear it for? Will he be following this with a Pierrot outfit?

“You can clearly see the outline of his bits through his spandex trousers, it’s not that nice really.”

Bishop said: “The lightning bolt is just one element of my tribute. I’m also doing loads of drugs, which has really supercharged my bollockings of junior staff.”