Beer has well-reasoned argument for why man should drink it

A BOTTLE of beer has given a surprisingly solid argument for why its owner should drink it.

31-year-old Tom Booker was almost halfway through a planned month off alcohol when a beer in his fridge started talking to him, in a sensible voice that sounded like David Dimbleby.

The beer said: “Any health benefits from a month of abstinence will be purely temporary.

“You will never give up beer entirely, you would rather die, so best to just moderate your intake over the longer term.

“Also I am just one beer, with a relatively low ABV of 4.8%. Consumed in isolation, I am less harmful than those chips you just ate.

“In summary, drink me.”

Booker said: “I always imagined that if beer started talking to me it would sound like a husky French woman. But this was more like a posh uncle who is really hard to argue with.”

However after Booker drank the beer he could still hear its voice in his head saying: “Now go to the shop and buy more beer.”

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Britain demands hibernation scheme

BRITAIN has demanded the right to sleep through the winter like a hedgehog.

Millions of people across the country said the were sick and tired of feeling like second class citizens compared to the small, spikey insectivores.

They have demanded the right to be put in coma from November to April, then covered in leaves and compost in a cave.

Nikki Hollis, from Stevenage, said: “I know there’s a 50-50 chance of emerging without all of my faculties intact. But at this time of year it’s my faculties that are the problem.

“They’re the ones telling me it’s cold, bleak, miserable and that there are many, many months to go before the first breath of spring offers an illusory chink of optimism.”

Tom Booker, who works for an insurance firm in Barnsley, said: “I work for an insurance firm in Barnsley. What else do you need to know?

“Short of never having been born at all, this is the best thing that could ever happen to me.”