Ministers Unveil £400 Million Plan To Shout At Fat People
BRITAIN'S fat people are to be hounded into submission through a multi-million pound strategy of shouting and community violence.
At the heart of the programme will be 250,000 outreach counsellors who will patrol supermarket aisles looking for 'inappropriate choicemakers'.
Once they have identified a target the uniformed counsellors will approach the shopper and scream: "PUT IT DOWN FATTY! PUT IT DOWN!"
Supermarket entrances will be fitted with hidden scales and as overweight shoppers enter they will hear the sound of mooing cows and be handed a photograph of Christopher Biggins.
The counsellors will also have the power to force fat people to strip down to their underpants and run around the car park for 20 minutes.
The government's plan for 'healthy towns' will include daily calisthenics, with hundreds of uniformed citizens lined up in neat rows, swinging their arms in time to music.
The sessions will be filmed and shown before popular features at cinemas across the country. Actor Brian Cox will provide a voice-over stressing the importance of physical fitness to the struggle against international Zionism.
The 'healthy towns', or gesundestädte, will host weekly torchlit marches to the local sports stadium where the uniformed citizens will eat satsumas while watching Sir Steve Redgrave's 1996 coxless pairs triumph over and over again.
Anyone unable to lose weight will have their passport confiscated and be forced to sew a patch onto their uniform depicting a big, fat cartoon pig.
Meanwhile, health secretary Alan Johnson is urging school bullies to step up their victimisation of overweight children as part of the government's 'Let's Punch Britain Thin' programme.