Mum insists on making your birthday about how you ruined her vagina

A MOTHER has decided that her son’s 25th birthday should be marked with anecdotes about perineal tears and a pelvic floor ‘that never recovered’.

Joanna Kramer called son Jack on his big day to offer brief congratulations and to remind him that, ever since she brought him into this world, she fears sneezing.

She continued: “25 years! 25 years, Jack, since I was lying in a hospital bed after 36 hours of labour with my vagina in tatters. That’s the ‘birth’ part of the word ‘birthday’.”

“And while you’ve grown and thrived it’s never been the same down there since. I can’t go on trampolines. If I laugh too much I wet myself. And let’s draw a discreet veil over lovemaking, except to say you should feel bloody guilty about what your father’s suffered.

“I’m not trying to say I wish you’d never been born, never that, but it’s important to remember on this day of festivities we should be mourning the loss of a truly world-class pussy.”

Son Jack said: “She couldn’t bake me a cake or send me a card with fifty quid in. It had to be all about the blighting of her fanny again.

“But she’s been giving this speech since my eighth birthday party at LaserQuest. I’m used to it.”

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The armed forces recruitment crisis: we haven't checked, but are they being paid f**k all?

BRITAIN’S armed forces are struggling to recruit which is probably because, though we freely admit we have not checked, the government is underpaying them? 

Because, as much as wokeness is being blamed for a generation raised on Call of Duty: Modern Warfare being fundamentally against conflict, you have to admit it seems likely.

Consider the facts. They’re state employees under 14 years of Tory goverment which has cut every service provided by the state, and the salaries of everyone working for the state, to the bone.

If education, the NHS, the courts and the police are all as understaffed and underpaid as a big Tesco, why would the armed forces be any different? Especially as they’re not allowed to strike.

There’s not enough money to run aircraft carriers. Army-owned land is being sold off or used to house asylum seekers. Frankly if every soldier, sailor and airman was getting regular inflation-linked pay rises it would be a f**king shock.

And while there’s a recruitment crisis everywhere – try getting served a meal in a country pub – the Army’s the one area that’s not been hit by all the Poles going home. So it must be something else and with this government it’s usually money. Bet you.

Let’s have a quick look… and yep, two-third dissasatisfied with basic pay rates, more than half think pay’s unfair, more trained personnel leaving than ever. What a f**king surprise. Big well done to the Tories.